Richard's Online Journal
Decor By Lucasarts
I like the classic adventure games. A lot. Does it show?
The back of my study wall is boring and dull — a plain white wall, long desperately in need of something to fill it. I’ve looked at posters before, but most posters are terrible. I don’t want logos, I don’t want words, just pretty pictures. That’s why it was so cool, quite some time ago, to see a true internet hero called Laserschwert take the old Lucasarts games, scan them in at insane resolutions, touch them up, strip out most of the logos and other cruft, and release the files for anyone to get printed up.
See and download the complete set here.
I’ve been meaning to get some of them printed for ages now, and now that I’ve finally received some, let me say this: they are awesome. The Sam and Max one came out particularly well — glorious colours, amazing detail. Still, my favourite is still probably Monkey Island 2, with that phenomenal colour work and attention to detail. I loved this box art back in the day, to the extent that I’m seriously considering sending the image back in and getting it on canvas. I don’t want to admit how long it took me to notice that the plumes in LeChuck’s hat are actually a dead bird, but it’s so much more obvious in this form. The others: The Sam and Max box, some Grim Fandango concept art (not a Laserschwert one, and nowhere near as good quality, but not bad) and a Star Wars parody of Day of the Tentacle. Together, they’re not even on the Top 10 list of the geekiest things I own, but I think they get an honourable mention.
(I’d have picked up Zak McKracken too, except for my borderline OCD dislike of words on clothes and posters. That goes quadruple for web links, Cafe Press people.)
As ever, I used Photobox to print them. I thought I ordered them on matt, but they arrived glossy. If you get some for your own, I’d recommend avoiding this — the gloss is very, very shiny. Not bad enough to reorder them, but still, word to the wise. The only other mild issue is that the images aren’t quite flush with the edges — each poster has a notable white line running down the left-hand side. Still, good enough.
If you want a set for yourself, the source images should be good for more or less any poster size. Mine are A2. Stuck on the wall with Blu-Tack. Not love. Love is the wrong kind of sticky. And I’m just not that into my games. Except System Shock.
Semi-related: If you don’t want to risk the wrath of the karma police, you can get some official Sam and Max poster prints from the Telltale Games Store. They look nice, even if they don’t have the same geeky nostalgia factor that make these ones so cool.
(Also: Yes, my god, a new post! Sorry about that. Been a busy couple of months without much of interest to say. More on their way, I promise.)
25 Things You Didn’t Know About Me
1/ I have never shot a man just to watch him die. That would be a shocking waste of harvestable organs.
2/ Confusing ‘jam’ and ‘jelly’ may be a dumb mistake when visiting America, but I find it’s worth it for the look on the waiter’s face during breakfast.
3/ My burglar alarm code is posted above the keypad in the form of a brainteaser.
4/ Putting the correct code into my burglar alarm opens a trapdoor into the spike pit. I am not a complete moron. My neighbours are learning to live with it ringing at least 5 hours a night. At least, I think they are. We don’t talk since the restraining order.
5/ I have a side-business where I change my name to the latest celebrity heart-throb and give exclusive interviews to the gossip rags. Technically, I’m only “a” Johnny Depp this week, but that’s apparently good enough in a court of law.
6/ My hobby is going to Creationist meetings and complaining that geography teachers never take the time to inform their students of the clear and present threat posed by Jormundgand the World Serpent. It’s in the epic poems, people! Look it up!
7/ I don’t trust intuition. Don’t ask why, it just doesn’t sit well with me.
8/ When stopped in the street by charity workers, I like to guilt-trip them by talking about the harm they’re doing by taking money that could so easily be going to other, even more important causes. That reminds me: this year, please donate to Children and Adults Suffering in Honduras. That’s quite long, so feel free to just use the initials when writing out your cheques. I’ll pass them on.
9/ I entered Walkers recent ‘invent a flavour’ competition by suggesting a healthy, sodium-free version of the traditional Ready Salted crisp. I didn’t expect to win, but I can’t help but feel insulted that they chose five seperate flavours of evil instead.
10/ No matter how many lottery tickets I buy in my life, if I ever win the jackpot, I plan to tell everyone it was my first time. And I found the ticket in a puddle. And the first thing I plan to do is have a big roaring money fire. Just because.
11/ I once saw a ghost at my local cinema, but then these four guys in jumpsuits ran in and blasted it with some kind of laser guns. I saw them a few years later, and it was still kinda cool, but nowhere near as good.
12/ My first act as Education Secretary will be to make Sesame Street re-dub all its songs so that children know it’s really pronounced ‘zed’.
14/ I don’t believe in the number 13.
15/ I was once stopped by Customs for trying to smuggle a bottle of aspirin back into the country. Apparently you don’t need to. The talcum powder was appreciated.
16/ I’m uncomfortable around crying women. Reminds me too much of my first date.
17/ Murder weekends confuse me. What’s wrong with roleplaying a copycat killer?
18/ As a child, I decided to write a note saying that if I ever got access to a time machine, I’d come back and meet myself at that exact second. When I didn’t appear, I tore the note up in disgust. Now, I can’t help but wonder… what if?
19/ I believe book burning should be a capital offence, unless the book is Eragon.
20/ I never, ever misuse apostrophe’s.
21/ I was given a medical license specifically so that it could be revoked. Those doctors were very sore about Dr. Cobbett’s vacuum cleaner/darning needle based Home Liposuction Kit. So were the patients, but that’s what small print’s for.
22/ If it ever comes back, I’d like to run a cool rebranding campaign for the Spanish Inquisition. Suggested slogan: “Torture! It Never Goes Out Of Style!”
23/ Since you never know you can’t do something unless you try, I like to tell people that I can swim the Atlantic, pluck stars out of the sky, and totally kickstart their modelling careers.
24/ I keep a pen in my pocket at all times, just in case someone I don’t like asks to borrow one. Then I can do that bizarre thing where you frisk yourself, going “I’m sure I had one…” only to walk off leaving them pen-less, knowing that really, I did…
25/ I never, ever do internet memes.
Making Richard’s Burger
“Hello, sir. May I take your order?”
“Yes, thanks. I’d like the hamburger, with just lettuce and bacon.”
“Okay, no problem. Just lettuce and bacon, cheese-”
“What? No. Just lettuce and bacon.”
“It normally comes with cheese.”
“Right, but I don’t like cheese. Or sauce. Just lettuce and bacon, thanks.”
“Okay, so how about mayo?”
“No thanks, just a plain burger. Just lettuce and bacon.”
“Not a problem. One burger, with nothing on it.”
“Except bacon.”
“Of course, sir. One bacon cheeseburger coming up.”
“What? No. No, look-”
“Here you go, sir.”
“Wait, wait. This isn’t meant to come with cheese. Or mayo.”
“Not a problem, sir. Our chef was happy to put some on for you.”
“Can I change my order? I’d like the chef’s fricasseed corpse on rye.”
“Sorry?”
“Apology accepted. Look, it’s very simple. One burger, just lettuce and bacon. No cheese, no mayo, no ketchup-”
“Oh, I see. One moment. Here you go, sir, good as new.”
“Where’s the bacon? There was bacon on here before.”
“I thought you wanted nothing on it.”
“Just lettuce and bacon. How hard is this? I’m asking for a less complicated burger here.”
“Oh, for goodness sake. I’ll sort that right out for you. Here you go. One hamburger, just lettuce and bacon, just like you demanded.”
“Without a bap? That’s not a burger, it’s a meat salad! With cheese on it! And now these chips are stone cold!”
“Indeed they are, sir. And if you find a hair in your mouth, keep in mind our chef is bald, with really itchy herpes. Next time, just order the fish…”
There But For The Grace of Visa
Egovisiting is a fun thing to do. It’s not egosurfing — looking for yourself — but a far more passive process, where anything of interest gets flagged up automatically via something like Google Blog Search. Most of the time, it’s old results, or spam blogs, or a reprint of an article. Quite often, it’s a casual mention on a site or forum somewhere, usually for something big like that old Writing A Girls In Games Article article.
But sometimes, it’s an odd one. Like someone else’s Amazon Wish-List. Someone sharing my name, only over in Cornwall. Sounds interesting. What does this Richard want?
Amusingly, it’s all pretty geeky. Blade Runner. The complete X-Files. A book on the Golden Age of Comics. Books by Ursula LeGuin. I’ll forgive the Arsenal videos; nobody’s perfect. Not sure what the complete Bridget Jones’ Diary series is doing next to all this, but hey, never mind. And I’ve no idea who this Joan Baez guy is he seems pretty obsessed with. Still, all things considered, it could definitely be worse. Maybe there’s something to this nominative determinism after all and–
Wait. He wants to own Anne Rice’s “Queen of the Damned”?
I’m changing my name immediately.
Envision In Depth
Just received my complimentary copy of Envision In Depth, a students guide to argument and research. Why bring this up? Because I’m in it. In the section on Gaming Culture, you’ll find my pretty well known Writing A ‘Girls In Games’ Article article, reprinted in its entirety, albeit without the pretty pictures, and with a few layout glitches thanks to whoever laid it out just copying the text across, and not bothering to remove things like captions from the main body text.
That’s not what amuses me. No, that’s that it’s not simply a reprint, but a reprint with questions in. Mama, I’m a comprehension exercise!
It’s interesting to see questions like “Why do you think he chose this format?”, but it’d be more interesting to see the answers. After all, I know absolutely and for certain why I did certain things. The format was chosen because it seemed funny at the time. The silly final line was there to make it absolutely clear that none of it should be taken at face-value — something you’d find obvious if you read it all the way through, but could easily miss if skim-reading, or had been pointed towards it by someone who’d missed the point. And so on.
However, if you find yourself wanting to answer the questions with words like ‘genius’, I for one will not stand in your way. (And in case you’re wondering, no, nobody ever asks the writers of these things the what and why of their work when preparing the marking scheme. Just sound convincing and you’ll probably do fine….)