Richard's Online Journal
Meanwhile. Elsewhere…
A few posts in other places, which as ever I forgot to link to. I’m working on a better, automated way of posting updates in a pretty way since I know I’ve been shamelessly lazy about blogging of late, but for now, this’ll do. Remember, at the moment I tend to be posting random off-the-cuff rubbish over on Twitter instead, so if you use that/Buzz/whatever and aren’t following me, you should probably do so. Yes.
NarraFlood: Now That’s What I Call Gaming #1
Nothing adds a bit of spark to a game like a quick musical number. A comic song is often a game’s funniest, most memorable moment – a spooky vocal track the most haunting bit of sound. In the first of this irregular series, let’s take a look at ten interesting ones from the world of adventure games. Not a Best Of, not a comprehensive look, just a random pick of interesting tunes, served up courtesy of YouTube. Let its name be praised.
NarraFlood: Bioshock 2 And The Big Daddy Experience
I had fun, but I was underwhelmed. Having given it time to simmer in my head however, I’m much more impressed. The obvious complaint is that it’s just more of the same, and on one level, yes it is. It’s still a shooter, improved but still very similar, and suffers from a number of the basic mechanical problems as the first game. I wish it was Deus Ex instead. As a story and a narrative experience though, it’s very much it’s own thing…
PC Plus: The 3DTV Gimmick
To hell with 3D. If I could change one thing about the cinema-going experience – other than shooting bloody Pearl & Dean into the sun – it would be to watch every blockbuster in IMAX. That would be a genuine improvement. 3D is just another gimmick, right down there with Smell-O-Vision, electric shocks coming through the seat, vibrating cinema chairs and, of course, the last 17 times that the industry has tried to make 3D into the Next Big Thing. And we still don’t need it.
The Biggest Loser
Some people say that by publicising things like this, you’re really playing into the creators’ hands. Possibly. However, sometimes, things need to be shared, if only as a warning.
Like everyone, I knew that Sony was putting together a ‘reality’ show about people competing to become a games tester — arguably the most soul-destroying job in the industry, save being whichever poor intern has to get the Lara Croft costume steam-cleaned after shows. Obviously, the idea was always going to be stupid, but I hate to pre-judge. After all, I hadn’t even seen a proper trailer…
Now I have. And in witnessing it, I have come to crave death.
I have no words. Wait, that’s a lie. They’re just words that normally have the vowels replaced by a string of punctuation from the top of the keyboard.
One little vial of ebola. That’s all I ask…
25 Things You Didn’t Know About Me
1/ I have never shot a man just to watch him die. That would be a shocking waste of harvestable organs.
2/ Confusing ‘jam’ and ‘jelly’ may be a dumb mistake when visiting America, but I find it’s worth it for the look on the waiter’s face during breakfast.
3/ My burglar alarm code is posted above the keypad in the form of a brainteaser.
4/ Putting the correct code into my burglar alarm opens a trapdoor into the spike pit. I am not a complete moron. My neighbours are learning to live with it ringing at least 5 hours a night. At least, I think they are. We don’t talk since the restraining order.
5/ I have a side-business where I change my name to the latest celebrity heart-throb and give exclusive interviews to the gossip rags. Technically, I’m only “a” Johnny Depp this week, but that’s apparently good enough in a court of law.
6/ My hobby is going to Creationist meetings and complaining that geography teachers never take the time to inform their students of the clear and present threat posed by Jormundgand the World Serpent. It’s in the epic poems, people! Look it up!
7/ I don’t trust intuition. Don’t ask why, it just doesn’t sit well with me.
8/ When stopped in the street by charity workers, I like to guilt-trip them by talking about the harm they’re doing by taking money that could so easily be going to other, even more important causes. That reminds me: this year, please donate to Children and Adults Suffering in Honduras. That’s quite long, so feel free to just use the initials when writing out your cheques. I’ll pass them on.
9/ I entered Walkers recent ‘invent a flavour’ competition by suggesting a healthy, sodium-free version of the traditional Ready Salted crisp. I didn’t expect to win, but I can’t help but feel insulted that they chose five seperate flavours of evil instead.
10/ No matter how many lottery tickets I buy in my life, if I ever win the jackpot, I plan to tell everyone it was my first time. And I found the ticket in a puddle. And the first thing I plan to do is have a big roaring money fire. Just because.
11/ I once saw a ghost at my local cinema, but then these four guys in jumpsuits ran in and blasted it with some kind of laser guns. I saw them a few years later, and it was still kinda cool, but nowhere near as good.
12/ My first act as Education Secretary will be to make Sesame Street re-dub all its songs so that children know it’s really pronounced ‘zed’.
14/ I don’t believe in the number 13.
15/ I was once stopped by Customs for trying to smuggle a bottle of aspirin back into the country. Apparently you don’t need to. The talcum powder was appreciated.
16/ I’m uncomfortable around crying women. Reminds me too much of my first date.
17/ Murder weekends confuse me. What’s wrong with roleplaying a copycat killer?
18/ As a child, I decided to write a note saying that if I ever got access to a time machine, I’d come back and meet myself at that exact second. When I didn’t appear, I tore the note up in disgust. Now, I can’t help but wonder… what if?
19/ I believe book burning should be a capital offence, unless the book is Eragon.
20/ I never, ever misuse apostrophe’s.
21/ I was given a medical license specifically so that it could be revoked. Those doctors were very sore about Dr. Cobbett’s vacuum cleaner/darning needle based Home Liposuction Kit. So were the patients, but that’s what small print’s for.
22/ If it ever comes back, I’d like to run a cool rebranding campaign for the Spanish Inquisition. Suggested slogan: “Torture! It Never Goes Out Of Style!”
23/ Since you never know you can’t do something unless you try, I like to tell people that I can swim the Atlantic, pluck stars out of the sky, and totally kickstart their modelling careers.
24/ I keep a pen in my pocket at all times, just in case someone I don’t like asks to borrow one. Then I can do that bizarre thing where you frisk yourself, going “I’m sure I had one…” only to walk off leaving them pen-less, knowing that really, I did…
25/ I never, ever do internet memes.
Plumbers Don’t Wear Ties
Sorry for the lack of posts of late. Too busy. Too much to do. Too many games to play. Games… completely unlike Plumbers Don’t Wear Ties. Any PC Gamer reader will know this one by reputation — a truly foul piece of gaming from back in the days when little movies in computer games seemed like The Future. It was a running joke in the magazine for over a decade… in fact, I’m sure it was referenced only a couple of months back, quite possibly by me. But why mention it now? Why invoke its dark name in 2008?
Because someone’s made a fully functional YouTube version. The pain begins… now!
Don’t be fooled by the angry, somewhat bipolar FMV lady in her bra — so-called adult game or not, PDWT is as objectively erotic as an Ayn Rand striptease. The bit above is the only bit of movie in the whole game, and even in the uncensored version, all you got later on was a shot of a guy’s bottom and half a nipple. The rest is simply a photostory with truly scary narration created by… I don’t know. I really don’t. Just remember, whoever they were, whatever pit in Hades they crawled out of, they actually wanted to sell this game to actual humans. For human currency. They’d have been better off gift-wrapping their own faeces and calling it Chocolate Surprise.
Brr. Plumbers Don’t Wear Ties. Quite possibly the worst game in the history of all time. And yes, that includes ET. And Big Rigs. And Max Payne.