Richard's Online Journal
Being Humoured
A vampire, a werewolf and a ghost, sharing a house in Bristol. It's the next reality TV sensation... but with a catch. Specifically, reality.
After protests that the new drama series Being Human was depicting the very real monster community in a poor light, the BBC agreed to give three self-proclaimed undead their own reality show to help set the record straight. The following is an unedited excerpt from the first, thus far unbroadcast episode of this exciting supernatural event.
INT: The House, Day Five
MITCHELL: Phillip!
GEORGE: It’s George, remember? We agreed we’d use the show’s names, for clarity.
MITCHELL: What? Oh. Oh, yeah, right. George, have you been drinking my blood?
GEORGE: Your blood? I didn’t see your name on it.
MITCHELL: It’s blood, George, that’s my thing. I’m a vampire, Annie’s a ghost, you’re… you’re the one who’ll be telling the neighbours what happened to their cat.
GEORGE: That is so racist! Just because I got careless, just that one time, don’t go pinning every bad thing that happens on me and my horrific transformations.
MITCHELL: Transformations. Right. You run around naked every full moon, I know that, only I can’t say I’ve heard any werewolf noises while you do it. Now, screams…
The Biggest Loser
Some people say that by publicising things like this, you’re really playing into the creators’ hands. Possibly. However, sometimes, things need to be shared, if only as a warning.
Like everyone, I knew that Sony was putting together a ‘reality’ show about people competing to become a games tester — arguably the most soul-destroying job in the industry, save being whichever poor intern has to get the Lara Croft costume steam-cleaned after shows. Obviously, the idea was always going to be stupid, but I hate to pre-judge. After all, I hadn’t even seen a proper trailer…
Now I have. And in witnessing it, I have come to crave death.
I have no words. Wait, that’s a lie. They’re just words that normally have the vowels replaced by a string of punctuation from the top of the keyboard.
One little vial of ebola. That’s all I ask…
Gameswipe
“Hello, I’m Charlie Brooker, and you’re watching Wipewipe, a show all about the shows of Charlie Brooker. And macram? for some reason.”
I’ll be honest, I’m a bit confused. I enjoyed the show, I like Charlie Brooker as much as the next cynic, but I’m not entirely sure who this special was aimed at. If you’re a gamer, you knew most of it already. If you’re not, Brooker’s mocking style (which is absolutely perfect if you’re a fan of the kind of thing being mocked, as with Screenwipe, Yahtzee, Noah Antwiler’s fantastic videos, and even stuff I don’t like much, like The Angry Video Game Nerd) isn’t exactly going to bring you round or teach you anything other than that you’re probably right about games being silly.
Why Games World instead of Time Commanders? Why GTA instead of Monkey Island? I’m not saying it shouldn’t have been cutting, that’s Brooker’s thing, but why wasn’t it cutting the idiots it kept showing clips of instead of reinforcing their prejudice through game choices? Why actively try to turn off the audience you presumably want to stick around for the full show by confirming their prejudices?
(In particular, I’m still trying to work out the logic behind spending much of the show complaining about TV only ever focusing on the negative, more violent games, then faking up a joke Wii title as a counterpoint instead of just… I don’t know… bringing out a copy of Animal Crossing. As it is, the message just became “We got nothing, sorry. Here’s some more boobs and explosions. Bullet to the cock!”)
The gags and guests were fun, but I’d rather have heard Graham Linehan rave about Left 4 Dead some more from a writer’s perspective than complain about Grand Theft Auto (even though I agree completely), or have had Dara O’Briain do a self-deprecating comedy bit instead of a rant. Again, it’d have been fine if it was actively for gamers, but it seemed seriously misplaced next to ‘let’s explain what Wolfenstein is’ level stuff.
If Gameswipe goes to a full series — and I’d really like to see Brooker do one, especially given the amazingly good stuff he did for PC Zone back in the day — I really hope it bites the bullet and just aims itself at gamers who want to watch a show about games. Bringing out Rab and Ryan from Consolevania, then stepping back to explain what generic genres are about? That’s like mixing matter and antimatter, only without exploding and blowing up the universe, for which I for one am frankly grateful.
Randomly, that CyberZone thing? It was even worse than the short clip on the show made it look. Unfortunately, it was so bad, even the interweb doesn’t have much of a record of it, but that’s okay. Just the intro bit says it all…
Terrifyingly (and yes, I know I’ve linked this before), this isn’t just not the worst game related TV show ever made, it’s not even the worst one fronted by Craig Charles. But the other is so bad, I can’t even bring myself to embed it. Click if you dare…
Merlin: Series 2 Transcript
The new series of Merlin started tonight, but don’t worry if you missed it. Here’s a full transcript of the first episode: “The Curse of Cornelius Sigan”.
In a land of myth and a time of magic, the destiny of a great kingdom rests on the shoulders of a young boy. Actually, more a young man. By the standards of the time, practically middle-aged. Whatever.
INT: ARTHUR’S CHAMBERS
ARTHUR: Merlin! Get in here! Oh, what are you wearing?
MERLIN: Richard Armitage’s hair, sire. I heard it brings good luck.
ARTHUR: Not really, Merlin, Robin Hood got cancelled.
MERLIN: You mean we didn’t?
ARTHUR: Incredibly enough, no. Remind me, where were we last time we met? Did I find out you’re a powerful sorcerer yet?
Remembering Knightmare
“I’m watching you. And I am awesome.”
Growing up as a gamer in the 80s and 90s wasn’t much fun. The games were fine, at least by the standards of the time, but the idea that you could play them without being a fat, bespectacled, largely introverted geek was pretty much alien to the wider world. What? So I’m single, wear glasses, need to lose a few pounds and write about computers and videogames for a living. Your point, please? Sob…