Richard's Online Journal
Miss Effect
IMPORTANT! Mass Effect 2 is now out in North America, and coming to Europe later this week. Yet despite many warnings, Bioware has completely failed to address a glaring error on the box, as spotted by roughly millions of people.
Luckily, there’s an easy fix. All you’ll need is the ability to take screenshots, an existing Mass Effect savegame, a pair of scissors, and some sticky tape.
Fixed! Shephard is a girl, damnit...
For best effect, print off hundreds of them and sneak into your local boutique of electronics using whatever means or biotics you deem appropriate to ensure nobody else falls afoul of this shocking lapse in standards. As for you, Bioware, we’ll forgive it this time — but watch yourselves in the next sequel…
The Gamers Guide To Dating
Ever since Kotaku posted its infamous Guide To Getting Hits, it seems like every site out there has been falling over itself to take a slice of the pie. But what if you don’t want to either pick up a porn star or take a stand against institutionalised misogyny, and simply want to find a way to embrace that bizarre creature that is called girl? Can games help? Yes! Here’s your* real five step guide to romantic bliss.
(* Disclaimer: Guys only. Everyone knows girls only play Tetris anyway.)
1. Be A Mage: Cannot stress this one enough. Not only are Mages inherently best, playing as one demonstrates all the qualities that mark you out as a true catch. A career of glass-cannon misery as you struggle to maximum level? Commitment! Power? What else can you call control over the elements themselves? And if that doesn’t work, giant balls of undying flame are awesome. Unless it’s from syphilis. Then not so much.
Lord of Magic. God of Sex.
2. Never Actually Meet: Not only does conducting the entire relationship online guarantee you stay in your comfort zone, it’s by far the most productive way. It’s a rare lady who’ll accept you bringing a netbook along to your first date to sneak in a bit of gold-farming between courses. Plus, if she starts ‘talking’, you can just shunt the conversation window onto your second screen. Deflection like that in a restaurant usually results in a slap in the face, and worse, no chocolate pudding.
3. Learn From The Experts: Stuck for a pick-up line? Who better to teach you than the country that’s made more dating games than anyone else? Japan will Provide.
"Sniff. That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard."
4. Set The Bar Realistically Low: Okay, so you’re not a ‘great catch’. But you can be ‘a relief, considering’. This is your weapon! Combine it with the power of dating websites and you can both a) find people willing to look past surface details to your supposed hidden depths and b) filter out the hideous hairy she-trolls you wouldn’t be seen dead with. Everyone wins! Better yet, everyone wins with you never having to put your feelings on the line or make the first move! Ultrakill!
No gold diggers! I'm saving my gold for a different epic mount.
5. Break Up Like A Gamer: Have your break-up line ready in advance, confident that you will walk away from the relationship the Winner. In fact, break off when everything’s going great, just to be on the safe side.
“Like the shotguns Lara Croft finds in ancient tombs, I’ve always been here for you, but I can’t explain why…”
“Sweetie, it’s been fun, but I don’t think I’ll be resubscribing.”
“Would you dress up as Aeris for me? I already got my Sephiroth costume…”
“Three frags left!”
And remember, if everything goes wrong, there’s always your next life.
The one bang anyone can end the night on.
Plumbers Don’t Wear Ties
Sorry for the lack of posts of late. Too busy. Too much to do. Too many games to play. Games… completely unlike Plumbers Don’t Wear Ties. Any PC Gamer reader will know this one by reputation — a truly foul piece of gaming from back in the days when little movies in computer games seemed like The Future. It was a running joke in the magazine for over a decade… in fact, I’m sure it was referenced only a couple of months back, quite possibly by me. But why mention it now? Why invoke its dark name in 2008?
Because someone’s made a fully functional YouTube version. The pain begins… now!
Don’t be fooled by the angry, somewhat bipolar FMV lady in her bra — so-called adult game or not, PDWT is as objectively erotic as an Ayn Rand striptease. The bit above is the only bit of movie in the whole game, and even in the uncensored version, all you got later on was a shot of a guy’s bottom and half a nipple. The rest is simply a photostory with truly scary narration created by… I don’t know. I really don’t. Just remember, whoever they were, whatever pit in Hades they crawled out of, they actually wanted to sell this game to actual humans. For human currency. They’d have been better off gift-wrapping their own faeces and calling it Chocolate Surprise.
Brr. Plumbers Don’t Wear Ties. Quite possibly the worst game in the history of all time. And yes, that includes ET. And Big Rigs. And Max Payne.
Last Moment of Social Pleasure
The following is an actual memorial from Bath Abbey. Not the greatest picture quality in the world, but I only saw it at the last second and had to quickfire. I don’t know who the hapless subject is, but I hope there’s a statue to the person who wrote this somewhere. Possibly a shrine…
Our father, who art somewhere, probably…
I love how every line of this is a back-handed tribute. It’s not only the wonderfully vague ‘Moment of Social Pleasure’, which probably just means ‘got pissed’, but throws up so many other possibilities. It’s the suggestion of “Hopefully he’s in Heaven, but, eh, y’know…” and the final slap of calling it a Humble Tablet. Yes, it may have been a friend writing a memorial for someone with a sense of humour, but I like to think of an angry stonemason, seething at having been emotionally blackmailed into stumping up money to commemorate the Village Git. (Respect for the dead? I’ve heard of it…)
Cheery last line too. Makes you think… cheer up!
Bath Abbey has a few of these unusual photo-spots. Most of the time, it’s your standard religious iconography, but a lot of them really amuse me. Take this apathetic angel for instance. You can almost hear the ringing of the sculptor’s ears after he was told to lose the half-smoked fag and Starbucks mug.
“What? It’s my coffee break.
Still, it’s all very pretty. For some reason, despite having been in Bath for over 8 years now, I’ve never gotten around to heading up to the top of the Abbey to see the place from the highest point. Despite the rain and the wind, today seemed like the time to do it. A hundred of the 200-odd steps up to the top, I started to rethink this — especially at the realisation that who goes up, must come down. If the Abbey really wants to boost its visitors, two words: Helter Skelter. Kids would love it.
I don’t know how much it costs to bribe the staff into letting you spin the wheels of the clock round at mad speed while shouting ‘THE END OF THE WORLD IS NIGH!’ to the terrified parishioners staring up in horror from street level, but it’s more than ?5.32. I asked.
Illusion of good weather kindly supplied by Photoshop
Other images up on Flickr, hidden amongst the 95,321,654 World of Warcraft screenshots. Note to self, must redress that balance…
At The Burlesque Wake
This says things about Death that Terry Pratchett never even dreamed of…
Photos from the Photobox launch event, where girls in fancy underwear frolic with whips, naked butlers serve champagne, and photos of PG rated naughtiness are taken.
See the full photoset over on Flickr. Contains partial nudity, but probably not the kind you want to see, regardless of which gender floats your cheesecake boat.