Richard's Online Journal
Being Humoured
A vampire, a werewolf and a ghost, sharing a house in Bristol. It's the next reality TV sensation... but with a catch. Specifically, reality.
After protests that the new drama series Being Human was depicting the very real monster community in a poor light, the BBC agreed to give three self-proclaimed undead their own reality show to help set the record straight. The following is an unedited excerpt from the first, thus far unbroadcast episode of this exciting supernatural event.
INT: The House, Day Five
MITCHELL: Phillip!
GEORGE: It’s George, remember? We agreed we’d use the show’s names, for clarity.
MITCHELL: What? Oh. Oh, yeah, right. George, have you been drinking my blood?
GEORGE: Your blood? I didn’t see your name on it.
MITCHELL: It’s blood, George, that’s my thing. I’m a vampire, Annie’s a ghost, you’re… you’re the one who’ll be telling the neighbours what happened to their cat.
GEORGE: That is so racist! Just because I got careless, just that one time, don’t go pinning every bad thing that happens on me and my horrific transformations.
MITCHELL: Transformations. Right. You run around naked every full moon, I know that, only I can’t say I’ve heard any werewolf noises while you do it. Now, screams…
Graze vs. SHOVEL!
OFFICE WORKERS! Have you fallen victim to this Graze ‘healthy eating’ madness? Do little boxes of NUTS and BERRIES and other SQUIRREL FOODS keep landing on your co-workers’ DESKS? And do you have to put up with those WUSSES trying to make you join in with their NIBBLES? Don’t their svelte, sexy bodies make you SICK?
Well, seethe no more! SHOVEL! is here to KICK YOUR FACE.
SHOVEL! For MEN. Also WOMEN. And CHILDREN. But NOBODY ELSE!
Every SHOVEL! box comes with FIVE TIMES YOUR DAILY RECOMMENDED CALORIES, and that’s just the WRAPPING! For only £20 per day, we’ll deliver MORE SUGAR THAN YOU CAN HANDLE, right to your office desk or the hospital bed where you are being treated for AWESOME. Doctors round the world agree, NOBODY needs this much food. SHOVEL! is a SOCIAL OBSCENITY. But you WANT it, don’t you? YES YOU DO.
Think for yourself. OBEY THESE WORDS. Choose SHOVEL!
(* Disclaimer: Gluttony is a sin. Every purchase of SHOVEL! comes with a free eternity of burning hellfire at the hands of a devil who still won’t believe how quickly you arrived. Also contains gluten)
Merlin: Series 2 Transcript
The new series of Merlin started tonight, but don’t worry if you missed it. Here’s a full transcript of the first episode: “The Curse of Cornelius Sigan”.
In a land of myth and a time of magic, the destiny of a great kingdom rests on the shoulders of a young boy. Actually, more a young man. By the standards of the time, practically middle-aged. Whatever.
INT: ARTHUR’S CHAMBERS
ARTHUR: Merlin! Get in here! Oh, what are you wearing?
MERLIN: Richard Armitage’s hair, sire. I heard it brings good luck.
ARTHUR: Not really, Merlin, Robin Hood got cancelled.
MERLIN: You mean we didn’t?
ARTHUR: Incredibly enough, no. Remind me, where were we last time we met? Did I find out you’re a powerful sorcerer yet?
London Sports Day 2012
In light of the recent financial difficulties, Her Majesty’s Government reluctantly announces a scaling down of the planned festivities. All athletes are advised to begin retraining immediately for this new, lower budget, demonstration of British glory.
Events will now consist of the 1 Mile Dash To The Shops, to be conducted when the Russian ambassador requests a can of Pringles, the new 500M Disqualification for any athletes who recently failed a drug trial to show their genetically improved skills without having to cough up for a new trophy, and the British Triathalon, consisting of one round on a Space Invaders machine down the local chippy, a game of Frisbee in Hyde Park, and competitive Wait Lifting — seeing who can wait longest for a lift without going ‘tssk’.
In place of the classic bronze, silver and gold trophies, Kinder Surprise will provide the awards. One voucher for 50% off a fish supper at Harry Ramsden’s will be on offer for the first athlete who collects the whole Olympic Glory Kittens set. Hale and Pace have been booked to comper the opening festivities, including a confetti parade for the ambassadors as they ride the Number 15 bus to the Kensington Holiday Inn.
Tickets for the festivities are now priced at ?375 a piece, or the cost of saving a major British bank, whichever is more plausible in a couple of years time.
Brainiac
I can’t stand Braniac. It annoys me more than any other programme out there right now. I occasionally page through an episode’s introduction, just on the off-chance that they plan to do anything interesting, but no. As far as it’s concerned, it’s got explosions, revolting things to do with food, and the idea of actually putting the prosthetic edu onto its –tainment just isn’t part of the plan.
Cool stuff with science? Sure, whatever. But first, will a comb flush down the toilet?
It was always a silly show, but I distinctly remember it having some spark when I last saw it, many seasons ago. The current series is just painful, both in terms of quality, and ambition. A good experiment, way back when, was the episode where they filled a swimming pool with custard to see if you really could walk on it — a fun, goofy, playful segment based on interesting science. Now? It’s a weekly sketch where a guy surrounded by bikini girls tries to find different ways of getting from one side of the custard to the other. Rubbish.
Forget rocket cars. Now it’s just rockets on random crap. Cool things with chemicals and such? Well, a couple, but only between generic explosions. Double-entendres? Carry On was more subtle. Worst of all, it’s like everyone who actually believed in the science part has escaped, with nobody left having any confidence in that nerdy stuff being interesting enough to carry a show. Under the carpet it all goes, replaced by Vic Reeves being as funny as a barbed wire pipe-cleaner up the penis tube. Even Jon Tickle’s seemingly genuine, likeable enthusiasm seems to have been sidelined in favour of a fixed grin, terrible dialogue, and a fresh turn as Reeves’ gurning stooge.
It’s not even lowest common demoninator TV. It’s just… oh, what’s the word? Ah, yes. Shit. It’s really, really shit. As a standalone programme, I could ignore it. As the UK’s only mainstream science show, it really hacks me off, even though the only reason I’ve put up with anything more than this season’s first episode and a few seconds of a few others is to remind myself of how much I love Mythbusters.
Ah, sweet Mythbusters. May the axe of cancellation never fall upon thee…
But I’m getting ahead of myself. Not everyone has Sky. Some people have actual stuff to do on a Friday evening. Either way, if you haven’t seen the show itself, here’s an actual smuggled-out copy of the most recent production notes.
BRANIAC PRODUCTION NOTES, S6E?
HI BOB. HERE'S THE CURRENT LINE-UP FOR TONIGHT'S SHOW. LET ME KNOW IF THERE'S ANYTHING ELSE WE CAN DO TO BRING DOWN THE CAUSE OF SCIENCE. IF ANYONE NEEDS ME, I'LL BE IN MY TRAILER, SOBBING QUIETLY INTO THE TATTERED REMAINS OF MY PHD.
SEG 1. INTRO
VIC: Welcome to Braniac, the science show with L and R painted on the wrong feet.
SEG 2. IS GRAVITY REAL?
We find out by spending ten minutes dropping things from a crane. Verdict: Unconfirmed.
SEG 3. TASTY OR TOXIC?
The Braniacs take it in turns to down random chemicals from Dr. Bunhead's chemistry set. Will the beguiling taste of almonds be their poisonous undoing, or will Botulinum be the perfect substitute for Bollinger?
SEG 4. TICKLE'S TEASER
JON: Here's one for you. If you gouge out your eyes before a TV presenter acts like a smug dick, does it become more watchable?
SEG 5: POP OR BOUNCE?
Our weekly segment in which Dr. Myang-Li stabs herself in the breast with different objects to see if her boob-job explodes, or repels the invader like it was the unwashed hand of one of our viewers. Today's experiment: a hairpin.
SEG 6. CELEBRITY FART BUNKER
Paul Daniels is this week's contestant. How long can he survive in an underground fallout shelter with bean-eating Braniacs replacing his air supply?
SEG 7. VIC REEVES' CONTRACTUALLY OBLIGED COMEDY SKETCH BIT
Oh, god. Remember everyone, fear is the mindkiller, fear is the little death that brings cancellation...
SEG 8. COCK!
Thaila Zucchi continues her quest to find Britain's most phallic object, fill it with thermite, and make it look like it's ejaculating fire. This week, a Dora The Explorer Aquapet spreads the love.
SEG 9. ELECTRICITY 999
We rig a surgeon up to the electric current. Can he still perform a life-saving operation on a young orphan's tumour while being subjected to a million volts at random intervals? If you need to be told, you're watching the right show.
SEG 10. THINGS IN MICROWAVES
Once again, a Ready Meal bought from Sainsbury's. Thanks, Health and Safety.
SEG 11. HYPNOTIC FINALE
More subliminal messages ordering our audience to go better themselves, carefully disguised as footage of caravans being blown up for no apparent reason.
(Exaggerate? Only a little…)
Science is such an important subject, and there’s so much scope to do cool things with it beyond finding out what a water balloon looks like in slow motion, or watching mute, emotionless people squirt ketchup on each other. There’s nothing wrong with that kind of experiment — goofy slapstick has its place. It’s just… if the whole world of accessible science is only going to get one show, I really wish it was something better than the current circus of explosions and gross-out routines.
A good British Mythbusters style show, that’s what we need. Go make one, someone.
And hurry. Before they get to Series 7.