Richard's Online Journal
The Gamers Guide To Dating
Ever since Kotaku posted its infamous Guide To Getting Hits, it seems like every site out there has been falling over itself to take a slice of the pie. But what if you don’t want to either pick up a porn star or take a stand against institutionalised misogyny, and simply want to find a way to embrace that bizarre creature that is called girl? Can games help? Yes! Here’s your* real five step guide to romantic bliss.
(* Disclaimer: Guys only. Everyone knows girls only play Tetris anyway.)
1. Be A Mage: Cannot stress this one enough. Not only are Mages inherently best, playing as one demonstrates all the qualities that mark you out as a true catch. A career of glass-cannon misery as you struggle to maximum level? Commitment! Power? What else can you call control over the elements themselves? And if that doesn’t work, giant balls of undying flame are awesome. Unless it’s from syphilis. Then not so much.
Lord of Magic. God of Sex.
2. Never Actually Meet: Not only does conducting the entire relationship online guarantee you stay in your comfort zone, it’s by far the most productive way. It’s a rare lady who’ll accept you bringing a netbook along to your first date to sneak in a bit of gold-farming between courses. Plus, if she starts ‘talking’, you can just shunt the conversation window onto your second screen. Deflection like that in a restaurant usually results in a slap in the face, and worse, no chocolate pudding.
3. Learn From The Experts: Stuck for a pick-up line? Who better to teach you than the country that’s made more dating games than anyone else? Japan will Provide.
"Sniff. That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard."
4. Set The Bar Realistically Low: Okay, so you’re not a ‘great catch’. But you can be ‘a relief, considering’. This is your weapon! Combine it with the power of dating websites and you can both a) find people willing to look past surface details to your supposed hidden depths and b) filter out the hideous hairy she-trolls you wouldn’t be seen dead with. Everyone wins! Better yet, everyone wins with you never having to put your feelings on the line or make the first move! Ultrakill!
No gold diggers! I'm saving my gold for a different epic mount.
5. Break Up Like A Gamer: Have your break-up line ready in advance, confident that you will walk away from the relationship the Winner. In fact, break off when everything’s going great, just to be on the safe side.
“Like the shotguns Lara Croft finds in ancient tombs, I’ve always been here for you, but I can’t explain why…”
“Sweetie, it’s been fun, but I don’t think I’ll be resubscribing.”
“Would you dress up as Aeris for me? I already got my Sephiroth costume…”
“Three frags left!”
And remember, if everything goes wrong, there’s always your next life.
The one bang anyone can end the night on.
Windows 7
It’s Windows 7 Launch Day, and obviously, it’s the most exciting thing ever to happen.
If you’ve already used previous versions of Windows, you’ll know the rough score already — initial optimism inevitably drained away by rubbish drivers, software manufacturers who’ve been slow to update their software despite 7 being basically the same as Vista and having over a year in which to do their goddamn jobs instead of sitting back and eating cake. There are however important undocumented changes to be aware of before you get started, especially in the light of the many bugs being automatically patched on this, the first day of what will one day become known as the Year of Windows 7 / Era of the Snake People From The Moon. Probably.
Changelog, 22/10/09
The traditional installation minigame has been removed. If you want the fun of formatting your whole drive only to find out half-way through installation that there’s a scratch on the disc, you must now scratch it yourself with a blunt compass point. Microsoft has however upgraded your inability to type a perfectly simple 94 character serial number, ensuring that you have to enter it three times before it works, despite it clearly being right, look, I totally checked it twice, oh wait that’s a G.
Windows no longer laughs maniacally during installation.
Ultimate Extras: While there is no Porn and Bikini wallpaper set supplied with Windows 7, Microsoft Customer Services has been instructed to assure the spouses of users with the Ultimate edition that in fact there is. Home Premium users must face the music for not covering up their screens fast enough. Please note: if you consider this insulting and patronising, remember the Ultimate Extras you got last time.
Disk Defragmenter and Chkdisk now run 40% slower in an attempt to convince you that they’re actually doing some good for your system despite things being bad enough that you’re running them. Registry cleaning software in the form of a pair of slowly rolling eyes of endless contempt has been added to Accessories.
The much-requested “TRY IT ANYWAY” button has been added to all file operations. Corrupted ZIP? Lack of hard drive space? Think you know better than Windows? Hit this button to ditch the error window and force it to at least give it a &^%$ing try. It won’t work, but at least you’ll know for sure and maybe feel better.
To cut down on the number of idiots online, tools like e-mail and Windows Messenger are no longer provided as standard. If you can get the necessary neurons together to download them, maybe you deserve your access.
The EULA has been rewritten in Wingdings to see if anyone notices.
“My Computer” has been renamed “Computer”. Thanks to DRM, “Your Computer” has been deemed too inaccurate by the European Court of Endless Pedantry.
Clicking the icon “Internet Explorer” no longer punches you in the face for your stupidity. Using Internet Explorer instead of absolutely anything else, up to and including a tin-can on a string, has been decreed both crime and punishment.
The dread portal of Ana’xhoom has been moved to the Documents folder for easier access. Please remember to sacrifice one file per day to the glory of Ana’xhoom.
The Purble Place competition has concluded after several long years. The first person to actually bother running it for more than five seconds, Mrs. Dawn Edmonton of Maine, has received her cheque for $4,000,000. Congratulations, Dawn!
Bigfoot has been returned to his home in the wallpaper.
The Solitaire cheat code now automatically texts your friends to stage an intervention. If you have no friends, the cards will fly around the screen as usual. Loser.
All PowerPoint presentations longer than five slides or containing the words “Mission Statement” will now be automatically deleted five minutes after being closed. No, really, you’re welcome. It’s the least we can do to apologise.
Gnaw: This Death Knight ghoul ability now has a 1-minute cooldown.
All online help replaced with the message “Just get a Mac, idiot…”
It is possible to upgrade from Windows 98. Oh, not as a cheap deal or anything, just reminding you. Seriously, it’s 2009. What the hell’s taking so long?
Assorted security hotfixes.
It works now, unlike Vista.
Merlin: Series 2 Transcript
The new series of Merlin started tonight, but don’t worry if you missed it. Here’s a full transcript of the first episode: “The Curse of Cornelius Sigan”.
In a land of myth and a time of magic, the destiny of a great kingdom rests on the shoulders of a young boy. Actually, more a young man. By the standards of the time, practically middle-aged. Whatever.
INT: ARTHUR’S CHAMBERS
ARTHUR: Merlin! Get in here! Oh, what are you wearing?
MERLIN: Richard Armitage’s hair, sire. I heard it brings good luck.
ARTHUR: Not really, Merlin, Robin Hood got cancelled.
MERLIN: You mean we didn’t?
ARTHUR: Incredibly enough, no. Remind me, where were we last time we met? Did I find out you’re a powerful sorcerer yet?
Fixing The British Political System
For many people, voting serves little purpose. You merely get to choose which almost certainly venal and corrupt bunch of career politicians gets to pretend they act with your implied blessing as they snuffle in the trough. The main parties all let us down on a regular basis. Even our scandals are pathetic, especially compared to the likes of Berlusconi. Clearly, the whole system needs wide-scale reform, but have no fear! I have three solutions, most not even involving pudding wrestling.
Solution the First: Let me run the country as an unchecked dictatorship. I promise a wide-sweeping range of policies, based primarily on how much material they’ll provide to Have I Got News For You. I plan to build a wall around Wells, declare war on the Big Brother House, and move the seat of government to Blubberhouses in Yorkshire, where the incoming nuclear bombs will simply bounce off. Or such is my understanding.
Too much? Fine. Spoilsport.
Solution the Second: We open up the voting system to allow for ‘anti-votes’. You may not want to give, say, Labour or Conservative your support after all the recent sleaze, but at least you can register your disapproval of groups like the BNP. In the event that no group achieves a positive figure, anarchy is immediately declared. However, every candidate will receive an I Cracked The Parliamentary System crystal to take home with them, along with the memories of that precious thing we used to call civilisation.
Solution the Third: Since politicians are frequently incapable of representing what we, the people, want from our rules, we clearly need to open up the race. I humbly suggest that we allow for the inclusion of fictional characters. Wait, hear me out. I’m not saying we hand over control to a non-existent entity. Why would you even think that?
Here’s how it works. First, when the word comes in that what the country really wants is Lord Vetinari from the Discworld books, we instantly launch a massive media campaign to find the closest real-world match, both in physical likeness and personality, and they become our leader. We can call it Britain’s Got Mimesis.
Should this fail, we still leave the position open, with all decisions going through the through a ‘What Would X Do? filter to determine if they’re in keeping with the philosophies of our chosen fictional character. It’s always worked for the Church. When a suitable candidate shows up, they can jump right into the job.
(Admittedly, this might fall down a bit if we elect Pacman. I’m not sure how many world crises can be helped by hiding in a maze, munching fruit and pills and answering all questions with ‘wakka-wakka-wakka’. Still, better that than Bush…)
I don’t really mind which of the three we go for — and those are the only three alternatives, I’m afraid — although I know which I’d prefer. Let the record show, loyal subjects to be, I consider you all worthless heathens and lower than the worms. But please, still vote for me. You’ll love what I’ve got planned for Piers Morgan.
E3 Diary, Day Zero
7:15: Wake up. Remember that I?m not actually at E3. Diary already failing.
7:27: Pondering what kind of monster can get up at 7:27 when they can get away with waiting for a nice round number. Relax with pleasant thoughts about not having jetlag and crushed legs from endless 10 hour plane flight. Aaah.
9:30: First closed-door meeting of the day, focused on the release schedule of yesterday?s dinner. Still better than anything Sony’s likely to show.
10:34: Pay tramp ?5 to pretend to be Tim Schafer. Spend half hour babbling incoherently about the amazingnessitudinity of Psychonauts until he gives the money back and stamps off to annoy some tourists.
11:32: On eBay, selling Tim Schafer?s autograph. Potential buyer wants to know how he can be sure it?s legitimate. I promise signed certificate of authenticity. He accepts.
13:30: Much needed lunchbreak. Feast on the irony of spending the day reading roughly a hundred million articles on new releases, then shrugging and muttering ?There?s nothing coming out.? Gamer-entitlement is awesome.
14:34: Snatching pictures of sexy booth babes. Or anyone who uses the photo booth outside Sainsbury?s, really. Note to self: some old people run fast.
15:43: Trying to get into the E3 floor-walking spirit by repeatedly smashing both feet with ball peen hammer. Walking now agony. Seemed like good idea at the time.
16:23: Desperate to see some new games actually moving, grab myself some print outs from the press releases, squint a bit, and shake them around in front of eyes. Frame rate obviously terrible, but no worse than Crysis on my old PC.
17:30: Can’t help but feel the people at the actual show have it better.