Richard's Online Journal
The Biggest Loser
Some people say that by publicising things like this, you’re really playing into the creators’ hands. Possibly. However, sometimes, things need to be shared, if only as a warning.
Like everyone, I knew that Sony was putting together a ‘reality’ show about people competing to become a games tester — arguably the most soul-destroying job in the industry, save being whichever poor intern has to get the Lara Croft costume steam-cleaned after shows. Obviously, the idea was always going to be stupid, but I hate to pre-judge. After all, I hadn’t even seen a proper trailer…
Now I have. And in witnessing it, I have come to crave death.
I have no words. Wait, that’s a lie. They’re just words that normally have the vowels replaced by a string of punctuation from the top of the keyboard.
One little vial of ebola. That’s all I ask…
Miss Effect
IMPORTANT! Mass Effect 2 is now out in North America, and coming to Europe later this week. Yet despite many warnings, Bioware has completely failed to address a glaring error on the box, as spotted by roughly millions of people.
Luckily, there’s an easy fix. All you’ll need is the ability to take screenshots, an existing Mass Effect savegame, a pair of scissors, and some sticky tape.
Fixed! Shephard is a girl, damnit...
For best effect, print off hundreds of them and sneak into your local boutique of electronics using whatever means or biotics you deem appropriate to ensure nobody else falls afoul of this shocking lapse in standards. As for you, Bioware, we’ll forgive it this time — but watch yourselves in the next sequel…
MP For A Week
Actual unedited screenshot from Parliament's new edutainment game designed to teach children how politics works. Yes. Seriously.
Click here to play the game. How fast can you be fired for telling the Chief Whip to go boil her head and sabotaging your own speech about the evils of computer games? My desk was clear by Tuesday lunchtime, and only because I accidentally did something competent on Monday. I’m sorry! Won’t happen again, I swear!
Oh, to hell with it. I’m off to play Yes Prime Minister again.
Tales Of Monkey Island
The sound heard around the world: Please let it be good! Please let it be good! Please let it be gooooood! (It's good. Phew.)
As far as “terrifying prospects to fill the heart of any sane man with incandescent fear” go, taking the reigns of something as loved as Monkey Island has to rank somewhere between… oh, lets say French kissing a tarantula and becoming sales manager at Laxative Bath Salts Inc. after its hostile takeover by a very greedy Mafia boss.
Still, that was Telltale’s mission — not simply to live up to the original games, but the world’s incredibly rose-tinted memories of them. Were they the funniest games ever? Nope. The best adventures? Again, no. In fact, more than almost any other series, the most notable thing about Monkey Island is just how damn different every game has been, from the laid-back original to the dark, even intimidating second game, the cartoon style of Curse, or the… well, Escape From Monkey Island existed.
Let’s leave it at that.
Tales is every bit as big a leap, and a really interesting one. I’ve held off from talking about it (aside from reviewing the episodes for Gamer) during its run, but there’s a lot to say. There will be spoilers, so let’s get the basic opinion out of the way first. I’ve really, really enjoyed this series. They share a few of my ongoing annoyances with Telltale’s design style, notably the frequent abuse of the classic Three Trials structure, but more than make up for it in humour, character, and the level of puzzle design (particularly in the Mike Stemmle episodes). In short, Telltale really, really raised their game for this outing, and it shows. Tales is easily their best work yet.
Are these episodes the much coveted Best Adventures Ever? No. But they’re still some of the best in recent years, adventures I’ve been looking forward to playing every month, and light-years ahead of unaccountably popular rubbish like A Vampyre Story or Runaway. Taken individually, each is a really fun evening’s puzzling. Collectively, they make up the first genuinely episodic game out there, and an excellent addition to the Monkey Island canon. What’s more, they’re…
Ah, but that’s getting into spoiler territory.
Spoilers begin after this…
Richard’s Games of 2009
Yes, with the year pretty much over, and because the alternative is something I’ve been putting off all weekend, it’s time for a fun look back at my favourite games of the year. It’s exciting, because I’m on the internet and I’m typing words.
Dragon Age (PC)
“What, is there something stuck in my teeth?”
Thirty-seven hours. That’s longer than I’ve spent with a game in what feels like forever, and here’s the thing: I barely noticed it. Some individual bits are a bit tiresome, and I wish that Bioware had embraced the chance to create a whole new world instead of just their own version of the Forgotten Realms and every other RPG ever, but on the smaller scale, this has some of the best plotting and writing around.
Three things in particular stand out. First, its mages are phenomenal. Plate-armour wearing dealers of so much death (with the right Specialisation), they make the poxy meat-shields look like the worthless non-mages they so definitely are. Second, it features one of the best romances in gaming history — the romance between a female PC and team comic relief Alistair bouncing effortlessly from genuinely moving to genuinely heartbreaking in ways that make perfect narrative sense, even if there’s no way you could have predicted them. I don’t want to say too much because I don’t want to spoil it, but suffice to say that it’s not over when the (incredibly bad) sex scene plays. I actually felt upset when (in one possible ending) he suddenly broke up with me.
With Vasha! My mage! I meant with my mage!