Richard's Online Journal
Modern Warfare: No Russian
Achievement Unlocked: Best Terrorist Ever
So, I finally played it. I’d have played it earlier, but my copy was on Steam, so it only unlocked at midnight this morning and I decided to go to bed instead of participating in a terrorist massacre. I know, lousy priorities, but I was sleepy.
I have no idea how I’d have reacted to it had I come in cold, since over the last week or so, it seems like my Twitter feed has consisted of nothing but people arguing the pros and cons of the whole thing, the leaked video, arguments about whether games should be touching this kind of stuff at all… I realised long ago that, like the (genuinely good) nuke section in the original Modern Warfare, all I was actually going to feel when I actually got it up on my screen was “Oh, it’s this bit.”
How did I feel? “Oh, it’s this bit.”
See? I know me too well.
Manhunt 2: UK Edition
Greetings, valued pre-order customers. Sadly, due to the recent BBFC decision to ban the Standard Edition, we are unable to supply the latest word in psychological horror in full, glorious, blood-dripping 3D. We apologise if the final result fails to live up to the hype, but trust that your interest in our story, characters, and plotting will outweigh any need to actually see insane, grown men ripping each others’ testicles off. That would be gratuitious, and we are anything but.
You are surrounded by darkness. The darkness is dark.
> LOOK AT DARK DARKNESS
You do not see that here.
> LOOK
Your bloodshot eyes snap open. You are lying in a cold, steel hospital bed, prone beneath a flickering flourescent light. Your left hand is handcuffed to the headboard, and not in a good way. You glance around. Your room… you might even call it a cell… is cold and empty. Screams echo through the stone corridors.
There is a machete here.
> LOOK MACHETE
It is smeared in green blood, and is therefore okay. At least, so Certain People seem to think. You know the quiche-eaters we mean.
> TAKE MACHETE
You don’t want to do that. You might cut yourself. That would be very unpleasant, and potentially offensive to those you encounter on your day to day travels.
> N
You are handcuffed to the bed and cannot move.
> SHOUT HELP
You scream for all you’re worth. Nobody seems to notice, or if they do, they don’t care. You remain completely alone.
A doctor walks in, hacking and wheezing.
> LOOK DOCTOR
The doctor is old and scrawny, smelling faintly of blood and urine. He glances at his clipboard, and coughs up a long string of dark brown sputum.
“Ah,” he croaks, unlocking the handcuffs. “You’re finally awake. Splendid.”
> N
You try to stand, suddenly realising that you have no legs. “Ah, yes,” says the doctor. “We had to amputate those for your own good. Otherwise you might have escaped and gone on a vile killing rampage, and we wouldn’t want that, would we?”
> SHAKE HEAD
“No,” he giggles. “No, no, we wouldn’t!” He glances at his clipboard. “Ah, you’ll have to excuse me. I’ve got Jack Thompson in for a sex-change at three, and won’t he be surprised when he finds out?”
He giggles again and leaves, closing the door behind him. The lights go off.
> WAIT
You wait in the darkness.
> WAIT
You wait in the darkness, wondering what happened to the horror we promised on the box. Sorry about that. It’s out of our hands, thanks to a bunch of fascist zealots who can’t– ah, we’re drifting. You wait in the darkness some more.
> RIP OFF TESTICLES
Bored, you give it a try. It’s not all it’s cracked up to be. Actually, it hurts. A lot. You feel whole new respect for eunuchs, and great shame that you might actually have done something so brutal to another human being. Violence, you realise, is not the answer.
Unless the question is ‘What’s awesome unless you’re a fascist zealot?’, and it probably was. You score 1 point.
> WAIT
You wait in the darkness, humming extracts from Carmen. “Rien n’y fait, menace ou prière… l’un parle bien, l’autre se tait; Et c’est l’autre-” The door opens up and the doctor re-appears. “Shut up,” he warns, waving a specially sharpened catheter.
> MURDER DOCTOR
That would be wrong!
The doctor glances at your bleeding crotch. “Goodness,” he adds. “Your chart says you were only in here for flu-shots. I’d get someone to look at that if I were you.” He leaves with a skip in his step, clearly annoyed about having the song now stuck in his head.
> WAIT
You suddenly realise that you’re bleeding to death. Five pints back, the revelation might have done you some good. Now, it’s just a messy end to a frankly unsatisfying morning. Ah well. All things considered, it could have been worse.
YOU HAVE DIED. Final Score: 1/5
Would you like to play again?