Journal

Off The Shelf: Sextrap Dungeon

There’s a Tumblr I’m quite fond of called Kindle Cover Disasters, and not too surprisingly, this has been one of its favourite targets of late. Actually, scratch that. This really isn’t that bad a cover - cheesy, but basically solid. You’ve got to love any erotic book which counts as a selling point, and I quote, “NO LONG WORDS”. Bad news for cunnilingus fans, maybe.

It’s also one of the few they’ve covered which is actually a book - a Choose Your Own Adventure, rather than just a glorified cover for people willing to drop a few quid for the pleasure of owning a book called Taken By The Tetris Blocks.

But anyway. This book describes itself thusly:

“Greetings, sexual adventurer! Welcome a world of erotic potential where you, the reader, get to choose your path through a veritable dungeon of carnal possibilities! But select wisely, friend, because every wrong decision you make on the way to the shuddering climax of this erotic quest will lead to your gruesome death!”

Oh goodness. I think we have to play this, don’t we?

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Oh, hell yeah, playa! You’re from the STREETS! Well, you’re probably from a street. You got all this down like you plucked a duck’s arse. You’re cool when it’s hot, you’re thirsty for anything that’s going! When you enter the party your junk itches and your eyes go blurry and by morning, you’re exhausted. Also, you pee a lot. Actually, that sounds like it could be diabetes. You should probably get that checked out.

Anyway, time to make our first choice.

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Well, that’s actually refreshing! So often, these games follow such a male-centric approach, oblivious to the fact that women are every bit as horny now as when Aristophanes wrote Lysistrata. (Don’t mind me, just trying to up the level here now and again). Let’s try that path, shall we, and say “I’m female”.

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...or not. Male it is, I guess…

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Can a person ever have too many dicks?

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It appears so. We’ve learned something today!

Anyway, we have a sexy adventure to be getting on with - a sexy adventure of sex. Sextrap Dungeon just has one question - are you ready for a sex adventure? On second thoughts, no. That way lies all kinds of horrible diseases and awkward conversations, potential financial ruin for the sake of a few seconds of sticky jiggling about, and-

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I don’t think the sexy book likes me very much. But I’m glad to see its medical degree working out so well. We’ve not even started the book yet and we’ve already died of hepatitis and thyroid cancer! Though I have to admit, when it comes to getting to the mucky, sordid stuff, it’s still way behind the PC conversion of Deathtrap Dungeon and this memorable character design. (It was changed for the final version, but still - goodness gracious me…)

Time to begin properly though! Level 1, in which we’re a hot young buck looking for a good time who knows where to find it, with three possibilities for love and laying. “Da” club. “Da” strip club. And “Da” laundrette. Obviously, we have to hit “Da” laundrette, da? It’s just common sense. “That’s where you’ll sink your slinky,” confirms the book, creating a mental image as terrifying as it is compelling. Does that mean a penis making its way down a flight of stairs and into- No. Not thinking about it! LA LA LA LA LA NOT THINKING ABOUT IT NOT-

Once at the laundrette, there is of course a lady conveniently there. We have three options to try and impress her - strip down to impress ‘like in the Levi advert’, hit her with a pick-up line, or - and I quote - “Neg the honey (offer a compliment wrapped in an insult like a painfully insecure chauvinist might).” Hurm…

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I think this calls for an animated GIF, don’t you?

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Oh yeah. Already this game is on a higher level than, say, Softporn Adventure or Fuck Quest. But let’s try another approach here, one slightly less sociopathic. If you want to meet someone, presumably a club is a good place for that, where everyone is at least more likely to be receptive to a passing AFGNCAAP’s attentions.

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Whoops, I think I have aphasia. I know all these words, yet I cannot parse this at all! Anyway, to get into the club we have to get past the bouncer, with several options - jump him, school him, or pretend to be gay. This however is completely overshadowed by the fact our idea of a snappy comeback is apparently “No wayzy, Swayze.”

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See? Would I lie?

Inside, it’s time to lay down some sweet ass moves. Twerking, as I believe the kids say it. And the club honey who is, I believe, worthy of the adjective ‘fly’, is entirely down with this - offering the chance for a sordid alleyway encounter. Outside though there’s a wolf! What do you do? You parkour your ass out of there, of course!

“Beware of the Dog” sign? Pah! How bad could some dumb mutt be compared to a wolf?

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Well, at least he’s taking a break from killing kittens in protest of masturbation. And as far as the book’s concerned, it could have been worse, as seen in this snippet from the universe where we went to “Da” strip club instead…

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...so, anyway. Ironically, when it comes to death, this book does not fuck around.

Whichever of the three paths you take, that’s just Level 1 of the book over. There are four in total, with our hero staggering unproud but erect through such situations as getting horny at the circus, taking a trip to Heaven in the literal as well as figurative sense, reading an abridged version of Moby Dick instead of getting laid, and receiving blank stares at pick-up likes like “Girl, is that a spoon in my pants, ‘cause I’m feeling a stir.”

But mostly, dying. Dying horribly. Leisure Suit Larry doesn’t take it in the soul this often.

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As you can clearly see, this book is more awesome than antibiotics in a smallpox outbreak.

I genuinely mean that. I mean, obviously it’s also utterly terrible, but it’s at least never boring. It’s entirely aware of how stupid it is and actually has fun with the fact, from asides where the author complains about how he doesn’t want to be making this shit but nobody bought his actual masterwork, to the deaths slowly building up an entire medical encyclopaedia of ways to die. It’s also amusing that just about every attempt to be a dick is immediately punished, rather than cheered and embraced in the more typical way of these games on Newgrounds et al.

It’s not exactly a heartwarming tale of romance, but dear god, it’s better than Romantic Encounters at the Dome. I’m calling it 99p very well spent... even if it is entirely set in a town rather than anything approaching the Mazes and Monsters cover. Dammit, book, I was promised a dungeon and evil redhead witches… and if you can’t trust something found over on Kindle Cover Disasters, goddamnit, I just don’t know who you can trust.

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Hello, I'm Richard! I'm a freelance writer, journalist, narrative designer and veteran producer of many other exciting things with words. Interested in hiring me to write things for you, or just saying hello? Drop me a line here.