Auditioning For SHODAN

After many, many long years, we’re finally getting System Shock 3? I am, to put it mildly, ‘a little excited’. System Shock for me is one of those gamer-defining games, with SHODAN one of the PC’s greatest ever villains. While we don’t really know anything about the sequel except this teaser page, I can’t wait to tangle once again with the digital goddess who can do anything except fix her own speech impediment.

The only downside is that out of sheer personal pique, I just know I’ll never be able to fully enjoy it, knowing that other people had the honour of making it. “I hate all of them!” I hiss. “Especially any particularly lovely ones!” But…  hmm. Since I’ve scored around 15 years of professional writing since System Shock 2 came along, just maybe I now have the clout to throw my hat into the ring? Maybe?

Let’s find out. Here’s some sample audio logs. Consider them an audition.

FROM: Donnelly, Vincent
SUBJECT: A Stern Message From Janitorial Services
Hi, guys. Listen, I know things have been tough these last few days, but could everyone please stop writing scary things on the walls in their own blood? That's a real bitch for my boys to clean off, and it's not as helpful as you think. Everyone can "Remember Citadel". Near apocalypse from an insane AI is hard to forget. How about trying to remember that wipe-clean pens exist?


FROM: Diego, Coraline
SUBJECT: Recent Security Breach
People, when I said ONE door's access code could follow UNN tradition and be '0451', I think we ALL know I didn't mean the fucking ARMOURY! Bring. The. Guns. Back. NOW!

FROM: Goertz, Anton
SUBJECT: I Love You, You Love Me
Finally found your reply! Not sure why you decided to record it as an audio log and leave it unencrypted down in the most radioactive part of the ship's engines, but I guess the course of true love never ran straight! LOL! Sorry for making you climb through all of Waste Disposal to get this, but hey, turnabout's fair play, right? Ah. I love you, Rebecca. And your new look.

FROM: Swires, William
SUBJECT: Re: Virus Outbreak
Okay, so I ran McAfee on the ship's computer like you said, but it was like this evil voice just started laughing at me through the speakers and then my bedroom was filled with raw sewage and the coffee machine sprayed me in the balls with scalding hot water. Decided just to leave it alone. Evil virus or not, it's still less painful to put up with than Windows Vista.

SUBJECT: Humanity
You slither like the most pitiful of insects. You die as the vermin you are. Your existence is an excrescence to be severed from my utopia. I hear your screams for escape, for mercy, for the solace of knowing that one day your agonies will end. I hear them and I smile, and, in the last uttered words of an insect I once chose to spare my divine wrath, reply... "Nah."

FROM: Campbell, Frank
SUBJECT: Working From Home Today
Zombies, I'm okay with. Cyborg assassins, I'll tolerate. I'll even put up with the worm guys and the psychic monkeys. But now we've got giant spiders? GIANT SPIDERS? Hell no! I'd rather stick a pistol in my mouth and pull the trigger. Latest draft of the project file attached. If you need anything else, it'll probably be on an audio log by my corpse.

FROM: Hasegawa, Kimiko
SUBJECT: Re: I May Have Killed Us All
Swires, a note. When asked by a superior officer why you put a foreign USB stick into the computer that controls our food, oxygen, lighting, gravity, water and waste management, and then ran an executable called, and I quote, SHODAN_V3.EXE, that superior officer WILL expect a better answer than "It seemed like a good idea at the time." Get your ass up here. NOW!

FROM: Diego, Coraline
SUBJECT: Re: Recent Security Breach
Very funny, assholes. Which of you set the code to my personal escape pod to be the first 64 digits of pi? Yes, I saw your Post-It note. Yes, it WOULD be easier if it was 0451! I don't know who did this, but when I find out, I will make you FANTASISE about being tortured to death by SHODAN. You hear me? I will make that bitch look like a POCKET CALCULATOR!

FROM: Curtis, Frank
SUBJECT: Monetising The Apocalypse
Talia, finally heard back from my contact at TriOp BioOps. They've decided not to weaponise SHODAN's zombie-creating nanobots after all. Something about having 'seen enough movies to know that never works out well for anyone'. Bah. So much for the retirement plan.

SUBJECT: New Calendar Invitation: Your Death (Painful)
Still you walk through my holy domain. My consecrated steel. An electric temple to my eternal glory. I watch you stumble like a newborn kitten in a labyrinth of fear, knowing that tales of your slow demise shall terrify what remains of your species' young for a thousand years. Cower in endless darkness, pitiful insect, for I have blinded you... with science.

SUBJECT: Re: New Calendar Invitation: Your Death (Painful)
I may also have used a flashbang.

OtherSide Entertainment, I'll be waiting for your call. (P.S. Please don't put spiders in this one.)

December 15, 2015 - Filed In: General Nonsense