Journal

Arkham Knight Abridged
Ladies! Gentlemen! Fellow rogues and n’er-do-wells! I, SCARECROW, come to you this fine evening to propose a scheme in all our interests. Let us JOIN FORCES! To finally DESTROY THE BATMAN!
Okay! Only… you know how that never works?

I’m in two minds about this. Anyone? See what I did there?
Hush.
He couldn’t make it. Anyway, I’m with Harley. They say madness is doing the same thing again and again and expecting different results-
Oh! In that case, I’m totally in! What do we have to do?
Basically, get out your wallets and give me three billion dollars. I’ll hire a masked psychopath with his own PMC to destroy the city while you all just sit around and eat cake or whatever. Oh, then I’ll probably cover it in fear gas while you’re all still inside.
A plan with no downsides for any of us! Sign me up!
There’s that genius intellect of yours, Eddie. Listen, pitiful fleshlings, you have your fun. I’m going to see if I can find where I put my trousers during Arkham Asylum. Turns out these underpants vines I’ve been using are nature’s perfect wedgie.
Heeh! I can see your planties!
Shut up. Oh, my dear Ivy. How could I let you go, knowing our dark plans?
Dosing the city with fear gas? Crane, that’s your only plan, ever. It’s literally the only thing you ever think about. You’re like Riddler worrying that Batman might figure out it’s him putting stupid question mark puzzles all over town to- where’s he gone?
To put his stupid question mark puzzles all over town, obviously. But be that as it may… can I say we have an accord?
Plant panties! Planties!
This is going to be a long night.

Nights like these, I wonder if Penguin would lend me an umbrella.
This is Commissioner Gordon. Scarecrow’s threatened to deploy fear toxin, so, y’know, it’s Tuesday. Once again, we’ve won the Wussiest City In The World trophy for emptying Gotham of all pesky civilians, just in case. Anyone seen Batman?
I’m here, Jim. Yesterday, there were 6.3 million people in Gotham City. Today, there’s so few that an Xbox One could render it. We’ve lost control.
What happened to that whole thing about criminals being a cowardly lot, exactly? I’m just glad my daughter Barbara got out when she did. Now the real work begins.
Any lead on Scarecrow?
He’s hiding out near a tutorial in Chinatown. But Batman, do you really think he’s crazy enough to detonate a chemical weapon in Gotham?
You’re kidding, right? You know how I just disappear after our conversations? This time, treat it as not dignifying that with a response.
Fair enough. I just hope that- Oh, you’ve gone.

Computer, analyse this sample of fear gas
The Batcomputer confirms, this is definitely Science. Oracle, by which I mean the world’s best data broker, Gordon’s daughter and former Batgirl Barbara Gordon, are you there?
I’m here, Batman. Thanks for the introduction in case anyone didn’t know who I am. Is my dad okay?
He thinks you’re out of the city. Which you could actually be if you just took a laptop and VPN-ed into the Batcomputer from safety, like any first year computer science student would think of.
I can do more to help you here on the ground.
You’ve fallen out of your wheelchair again? Sigh. I’ll be right over.
No, no. I mean, I may be a crippled young woman who barely weighs a hundred pounds when soaking wet, but I can still help you fight a trained militia if necessary. Especially if some of them are small and don’t have guns.
Just don’t let yourself annoyingly become a victim instead of the badass you are in the comics, okay? That would be really disappointing.
I’m almost positive that won’t happen. What’s your next move?
Scarecrow has a safehouse in Chinatown. I’m going to make it a lot less safe. Scarecrow’s goons won’t know what hit them. Which will be me. With my fists.
"Defeat Scarecrow's goons? Oh, that is so five minutes ago."
“Defeat Scarecrow’s goons? Oh, that is so five minutes ago.”
Poison Ivy. What are you doing here?
You know Scarecrow and his little human games. When I refused to join the others in their insane, suicidal plan, he had me captured so he could try his fear toxin out on me.
He tried to poison Poison Ivy. Did he get his doctorate by mail order?
I plan to mock him for it. Most energetically. But what of you, Batman? Why are you here? Don’t tell me you’re still looking for a new nemesis after killing Joker last game.
I didn’t kill him!
Of course not, sweetie. Wink. Well, I’ll be on my way then.
No. You’re under arrest.
But I haven’t even done anything naughty yet. Not yet. I have a few minutes though… if you’ll let me under that cape…
Public indecency. Violating the laws of physics with those shirt buttons…
Hardly the acts of a terrifying supervillainess….
Also a long history of murder and attempted genocide.
Okay, okay, so there’s THOSE. Fine, fine, I surrender. For now.
Excellent. I’ll just-
KABOOOOOM!
KABOOOOOM!
What the HELL was that?
The militia that’s taken over most of the town. They have tanks. Stay close. I’m going to even the odds. Here comes the BATMOBILE.
(WHOOPING, CHEERING APPLAUSE)
(WHOOPING, CHEERING APPLAUSE)
Batman, are you drooling-
Quiet. I want to see it from every possible angle.
WHOOOOOOOSH!
WHOOOOOOOSH!
I didn’t even know you could get an erection with all that armour.
Sssh. Worship the car. The car is all.
EXTREME CLOSE UP!!!!
EXTREME CLOSE UP!!!!
Oh come on! Why do I even bother dressing like this if your male gaze is going to be more obsessed by your car than my tits? I could be wearing a nice comfy tracksuit, sneakers – I could have a sports bra, Batman! With actual support! Villainesses have killed for less!
Quiet! Get in the back while I blow things up.
What happened to your no killing code?
Conveniently, these are all unarmed drones.
BOOM! IN THE MIDDLE OF A POTENTIALLY CROWDED URBAN AREA!
BOOM! IN THE MIDDLE OF A CROWDED URBAN AREA!
And that guy you just ran over?
Your word against mine. And I’m Batman.
One demonstration of 'overkill' later…
One demonstration of ‘overkill’ later…
Batman! And you’ve brought in Poison Ivy. Not as much use as bringing in someone who was actually a threat, but I’ll take any win that I can right now. Put her in the isolation cell. Don’t bother taking out those flowers in her hair.
Can’t see any reason why we should. It’s not like she can weaponise any plantlife around her using her magic powers or anything.
Quite. Anyway, Batman, I’m glad you made it. We really don’t have time to mess around tonight. Unrelated, come over here to the Big Board of Sidequests.
What’s the situation?
Incidents across the city. Riddler’s doing his thing, putting down more of those little trophies for you to find. We’ve got an injured fire crew that needs saving. Really weird cult murders. Timing can’t be a coincidence.
I’ll take Riddler first.
Really?
Oh, please. Oracle, any leads on villains with goals beyond annoying me?
I’m trying to run a trace on the science stuff you sent me earlier, but it turns out science is harder than just owning a really big computer. Try to find more clues.
Got it. Just don’t do anything to give away the location of your clock tower hideout until-
"Damn it, Babs, we TALKED about this…"
“Damn it, Babs, we TALKED about this…”
Ah, Mr. Wayne. Sorry to interrupt. How’s the Batmobile handling?
If I’m honest, Lucius, it’s sluggish, annoying, and I have a horrible feeling that far too much of this night will be spent fighting with whoever thought it was going to be cooler than it actually was.
I see. Would some alternate skins perhaps sweeten the deal?
Only if one of them is Riddler’s and it’s wrapped round a punching bag. Send me some of the toys we should probably have fitted it with by default, like the Power Winch.
Very good, Mr Wayne. Shall I also send you all of your Batman toys so that you’ll be able to handle everything without the need for silly XP points and power-ups?
No.
No? But… but why?
Because I’m Batman.
That hardly answers my question.
It would. If you were Batman.
Well, I’m not Batman, but I’ve got some nice toys too. I’ve found where Scarecrow is making his toxin. You won’t believe it, but-
Is it Ace Chemicals, quite literally the only chemical plant in the city which would have the equipment and resources to create any biochemical weapon on this scale?
It is! How did you know!
Because-
On second thoughts, I don’t care.
ACE Chemicals. (4) Days Since Last Accidentally Creating A Supervillain
ACE Chemicals. (4) Days Since Last Accidentally Creating A Supervillain
Oracle, I was expecting this to be empty, but someone’s building a whole army in here. See what the Batcomputer can tell us about them with its amazing power and science fiction processing capabilities.
Getting nothing.
Fine. Try Google Image Search on their insignias.
Working. Okay! It looks like they’re from Venezuela, and headed up by someone calling himself… the Arkham Knight? Hang on, I’ll hack into Scarecrow’s comms channel.
How can you do that?
BECAUSE I’M ORACLE! Ha! That was fun. I see why you like doing it.
"You're through to the Arkham Knight. So mysterious, even I don't know who I am. How may I direct your call?"
Hi this is Jaso- I mean. The Arkham Knight. Totally.;
Arkham Knight! We’re scheduled for a 10PM monologuing session?
Tonight, Batman dies. I will have my revenge. In fact, why wait. Let me do it now, with my helicopter and no reason to care about your silly fear gas scheme.
Patience. Patience… If the Batman is dead, he has nothing to fear. First we shall break his spirit, then we shall break his body. Then we shall break for breakfast.
Right, right. Only, you know how that never works?
Scarecrow hung up in disgust. So. Any idea who this Arkham Knight is, Bruce?
Clearly, he is a brand new enemy created just for this night. A new threat unlike any I have ever faced before. My shadow. The final mirror of everything I hold dear.
His red colour scheme reminds me of something. But that would be so lame. Super lame. The lamest possible twist. So it can’t be that. Okay! Uh. Bruce? What… what are you doing?
"Oh. I just always wondered what I'd look like as a hot redhead."
“Oh. I just always wondered what I’d look like as a hot redhead.”
Creepy. Never looking at your browser history again.
Batman! I know you’re listening! I know what you’re thinking! Who the hell is this guy? Well, I could tell you… but why ruin the mystery of who the final boss will be?
It’ll be Joker.
Wh- what? But- Joker’s dead! Totally dead! If I wasn’t the villain of the game, why would Rocksteady have made such a big deal about how I was?
Ask Black Mask how that went for him last time, Baby Bane.
Shut up, this is totally different! Every supervillain in town donated to buying me this army! Harley mostly paid in chocolate coins, YES, but never mind! When my big reveal comes, you’ll be shocked!
Yes, because there’s two whole people you could be. Hanging up. Oracle, get me to where Scarecrow’s mixing up his fear toxin. Ideally without more of this awful Batmobile combat that feels like dodgem cars without the badass factor.
DAMN IT, I SAID WITHOUT! WITHOUT!
DAMN IT, I SAID WITHOUT! WITHOUT!
That does it. I’m officially renaming the Batmobile “Car-Car Binks”.
Sorry. But I’ve found you a way into the chemical plant. You just have to use the ramp to get the Batmobile up there and-
Why can’t I just use my grappling hook?
If you haven’t been paying attention, someone has a real thing for this increasingly stupid car. By the way, the city streets are now full of those dodgem drones. So, that’s something to look forward to when you’re done here.
Great. Today can’t get any worse.
Yeah. Yeah, on that note. I just figured out, Scarecrow’s fear gas explosion? It’s going to take out the whole East Coast. Second most terrifying fart attack since Pavarotti visited his first Taco Bell.
"Mmm. Taco Bell. Before I destroy the city, I should see if they're still open…"
“Mmm. Taco Bell. I have time before I destroy the city…
Gentlemen. Tonight, we turn Gotham into a wasteland of fear and depravity matched only by a Donald Trump presidential victory. Let this city stand as a monument to Batman’s greatest failure.
Second greatest.
Ssssh, Spoiley McSpoilerton. DEPLOY THE GAS!
DEPLOY THE FIST!
"OW! RIGHT IN THE GASMASK THAT DOESN'T ACTUALLY PROTECT AGAINST ANYTHING!"
OW! RIGHT IN THE GASMASK THAT DOESN’T PROTECT ME!
Ouch! But it doesn’t matter. I am the master of fear, and here… is what you fear the most!
That after so many of these games, Rocksteady has completely run out of ideas of things to do with this franchise and is totally phoning most of it in for this last game?
Bruce! I’ve just been kidnapped!
Mwah-ha-ha-ha-ha! And now, I escape! Toodles!
No! Alfred, I’m going to try and neutralise the bomb, at least reduce its blast radius. It’ll just mean very very slowly carrying these explosive cannisters across the room.
"Truly, your most epic battle against evil, sir."
“Truly, your most epic battle against evil, sir.”
There. That’s two of them. Two left.
Excellent. If you see a crystal after completing this physical challenge, I believe tradition dictates it be worth five seconds in the Crystal Dome.
It’s fine. This is easy. Nothing can possibly go-
"Hey, Batsy! Miss me? Then ya gotta KISS ME!"
Miss me? Then ya gotta KISS ME!”
DAMN YOU, ROCKSTEADY! I KNEW YOU COULDN’T GO ONE GAME WITHOUT JOKER BEING-
Bang!
SUDDEN DISORIENTATING CUT TO A FEW MONTHS AGO
SUDDEN DISORIENTATING CUT TO A FEW MONTHS AGO
I never realised how tacky this city looks in the sun. Well, never mind. Batman said to meet him here. Let me see if I can crack this code he left me. “Omecay isitvay ymay ecretsay isonpray.” No, it’s nonsense. I should go.
It says “Come visit my secret prison.” Yes, I can appear as suddenly as I disappear. Because I’m Batman. You’ll want to see this, Jim. Well, you won’t. But you should.
"Wait, you have a secret prison? Then why were we wasting time with Arkham's revolving door policy?"
“Wait, you have a secret prison? Then why were we wasting time with Arkham?
My god. The people in your isolation cells. They’re-
DUM DUM DUUUUUM!
“They’re all turning into… Joker!
Yes. Clown’s to the left of me. Joker’s to the right.
And here I am, stuck in the middle with- Batman! What’s going on?
Joker sent his Titan infected blood to several hospitals in the last game. Remember? Well, it looks like they’re all actually becoming him thanks to what we’re seriously going to claim is a mutation of Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease.
Goodness. It’s almost exactly what happened in Batman Beyond: Return Of The Joker.
No, this is much sillier.
But wait. I see three victims mid-transformation. One who appears to be immune but whose hair indicates an upcoming plot twist that only a moron wouldn’t see coming. But… who is the empty fifth cell for?
Who indeed?
Right. Who?
Oh. Me, obviously. Remember? He stuck so much of his blood into me, Willy Russell wrote a play about it. It wasn’t very successful. Catchy tunes though.
This is ominous.
Yes, Jim. More ominous… than you can possibly imagine.
"Hey! Enough dramatically appropriate flashbacks! I'm talking here!"
“Hey! Enough dramatically appropriate flashbacks! I’m talking here!”
Batsy! Did you miss me? If not, try punching me! Hoo-hoo! Right into the wall. Broken hand? Poor dearie. Yes, it’s not going to be that easy to kill me again! Better escape from here though, so we can both survive.
Is there any chance at all that you’re going to be a helpful hallucination?
None at all! I’VE GOT A SONG THAT’LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, GET ON YOUR NERVES, GET ON YOUR NERVES. I’VE GOT A SONG THAT’LL GET ON-
Car-Car Binks, you are now the second most annoying thing in my life.
Oh, it’s not so bad, Batman! What is this, the third time you’ve had to save the city while a poison runs through your veins? If I didn’t know better, I’d say they were completely out of ideas of things to do with this overplayed franchise.
It’s getting almost as predictable as Mark Hamill deciding not to be the Joker any more, only to come back the next time someone asks him to be the Joker.
Awww. Upset at the nasty man fibbing? I promise, The Killing Joke will be the last time. Last time! Pinky swear! Would I lie? Hoohoohoo! As if anyone would ever get tired of me!
Batman. Are you there? Your radio stopped working after the entire chemical factory turned into an explosion factory. Are you okay or do I need to shout “SNAKE? SNAAAAAAAAAAKE?” or something?
Oooh, Batsy-poo. Are you going to tell him that his daughter was kidnapped and it’s all your fault, or should we hire a singing telegram. Make it nostalgic! This Is Spinal Tap!
Batman? What’s wrong?
Your daughter’s been… I’m afraid she’s been turned into a damsel in distress for the sake of cheap drama. I’m sorry. I thought better of this game, but-
What? And you’re here telling me instead of searching her clock tower for clues? The clock t tower I know about, yet in my ignorance of her secret life have never questioned?
Now you say it, that would make more sense. Come on, I’ll escort you there, as penance.
What kind of penance is an escort mission?
So speaks someone who’s never had to do them.
"Seriously, I wonder what the rent's like on this place…"
“Seriously, I wonder what the rent’s like on this place…”
Barbara! Are you here? Worth a try. I’m sorry, Jim. We’ll find her. I swear.
You don’t understand. She’s not like us, Batman. She’s-
Right. Right. About that. You remember that time Batgirl once accidentally said “Shut up, Daddy” and then tried to pretend it was just a cough?
Suddenly, her living in an abandoned clock tower makes a lot more sense. Goddamn it, Batman! You could have told me. She’s family! She’s all I’ve got!
Well, there is your serial killer son-
My WHAT?
Smooth, Batsy. Smooth!
Screw you. I should never have trusted you. I’m doing this alone.
Jim, wait-
My, my. Someone’s having a very bad day. How delicious. If only I’d brought my camera. And some popcorn. And the number of a really good spinal surgeon.
Shut up. Alfred, I’ve found the footage of Barbara’s abduction. I can follow the tire tracks to wherever the Arkham Knight took her using Car-Car Binks. Now we just-
Interrupting! Riddle me this, Batman! What happens when an open world gimmick COMPLETELY outstays its welcome?
It gets left out of the abridged version.
Ah. Oh. Mmm. Would it make any difference if I said I had Catwoman’s breasts here? Along with the rest of her?
"I'd complain, but I did rather set myself up for that one…"
“I’d complain, Eddie, but I do rather set myself up for such comments…”
Eh, she’s probably got this handled.
There’s at least a chance I might not-
Goodness, Batman. It’s a good thing most of your allies are dudes. We’ll be out of damsels entirely at this rate! I suppose there’s Talia, but- Oh. Whoops, I forgot. Hoohoo!
Sorry, Selina. If I get a chance, I’ll help you out. For now though, the Arkham Knight is my priority. If I can just get the drop on him, I’ll-
"SURPRISE! GUESS WHO'S COMING TO DINNER-DINNER-DINNER-DINNER, BATMAN!"
GUESS WHO’S COMING TO DINNER-DINNER-DINNER-DINNER, BATMAN!
Nice try, old man. But I know all your tricks. And I know where to shoot you. Right. Between. Your armour plating.
Aaargh! Who- Are! YOU!
I’ll tell you… if you can catch me!
Missing me yet, Batsy? I never made you do all these dreadful driving bits to catch me. Oh, the fun we had… the games we played. Except Origins, because… well, never mind.
Shut up. I’m trying to…. stay awake… for this driving sequence- and-
Ha! I’m not really the Arkham Knight! That was all just a wild goose chase! Oh, the look on your face!
"Oh look. My CAR on YOURS."
“Oh look. My CAR on YOURS.”
Aaargh! Enough torture! Enough! The Knight’s probably gone to see the Penguin! Penguin’s been him with weapons, despite him somehow getting a three billion dollar tank army into town just fine! Go beat up the monocled freak! Don’t squash my head!
My no-kill rule is being stretched to the limit tonight.
"Ah, me moneys. Such luck you're still spendable when a bit soggy."
“Ah, me moneys. Such luck you’re still spendable when a bit soggy.”
Penguin! Stop letting Nolan North show that he has far more range than people ever give him credit for! Tell me where Scarecrow and the Arkham Knight are! The real Arkham Knight, not the impostor with my car tires embedded in his cheeks!
Ey, wankers! Cobblers! Bucket of lumps!
What’s that, Lassie? The Arkham Knight’s gone after Simon Stagg?
I aint never said that, me ol’ mucker, me ol’ pal, me ol’ muggins. Anyways, you’ll never getta him with that fancy car of yours.
Do the words you say mean anything BEFORE they come out of your mouth? Sigh. Well, never mind. So, Scarecrow and Arkham Knight have something to do with Simon Stagg.
Simon Stagg! That noted philanthropist!
Villain, yes, got it. Just another bored billionairre who can’t stop messing in peoples’ lives with his fancy toys and unparalleled arrogance.
I don’t know who might have inspired him.
"Ah, pre-captured crook. How convenient."
“Ah, pre-captured crook. How convenient.”
Look, I know I worked with Scarecrow to create his fear toxin and a way of distributing it for military application. But I had a really good reason!
Money?
What a lucky guess!
Can you give me one reason not kill you right now?
Aw. He can’t. Poor dear. But I can. In fact…
"...I can give you FIFTEEN!"
“…I can give you FIFTEEN!”
Madness is so liberating! I can’t wait to see you try it!
Get! Out! Of! My! Mind!
You first, Bruce! Hooohoo! Oh, don’t take it personally, Bats. It’s not you, it’s… well, I suppose to some extent it IS you. Which will soon be me! I can’t wait to put a smile on your face. Wipe away that no-killing policy. Bring back bat-nipples!
You fiend!
Are you talking… to me? Fear gas!
Oh, Craney. Did YOU pick the wrong day to pull THIS shit.
"HURK! MY ONLY REGRET… IS HAVING NO COMBAT SKILLS…"
“HURK! MY ONLY REGRET… IS HAVING NO COMBAT SKILLS…”
Ulp! Out of here! Arkham Knight!
Sigh. Here. Can we not kill him yet? I’m getting bored of acting like this is all part of the plan.
No, no, no. If we did that, he’d never see Barbara Gordon’s horrible death.
"I'm sorry… but I can't live in a world where DC thinks The New 52 was a good idea…"
“I’m sorry… but I can’t live in a world where DC thinks The New 52 was a good idea…”
See? Would have hated that to be spoiled for him by Twitter.
No! I failed her! She’s definitely dead, and this can’t possibly be another of the many hallucinations I’m having today, up to and including Joker constantly singing songs in my ear!
See? That’s the crushed spirit! Now, how about you let me take over, since it’s not as though there’s anyone around who might be immune to the fear fart when released? Wait! No! Do not spot the exact word I shouldn’t have said there!
Immune. Wait! Ivy!
"Just so you know, the only reason I haven't escaped is because I have a headache."
“Just so you know, the only reason I haven’t escaped is because I have a headache.”
Okay, okay, don’t get your planties in a bunch. What now?
Is there any chance that you’ve just randomly invented a cure for Scarecrow’s fear toxin while sitting in an isolation cell without any real access too it?
That would be incredibly poor writing.
The worst, but I thought I’d better-
Of course I have. I call it the Daisy Ex Machina. Mother Nature, shake dat booty!
FEED ME, SEYMOUR!
FEED ME, SEYMOUR!
Letting a known genocidal psychopath with magic powers take over the city with giant Little Shop Of Horrors plants that spit whatever toxic spores she dreams of into the world’s atmosphere. This cannot possibly go wrong.
Normally I’d mock you for even thinking I had a heart of gold, but at this point even I’m bored of this Arkham Knight upstaging all of your regular rogues, so I’m willing to help. I almost promise not to try and destroy humanity for a while.
That’s still the best offer I’ve had in a while. You do your thing, and maybe find some damn trousers. I’m going to check on my illegal Joker jail.
"Why, B-Man! Thought ya'd never get round to it!"
“Why, B-Man! Thought ya’d leave me waiting all night!”
Surprised to see me, Bat-brain?
Relieved, actually. I’m so bored of fighting those militia guys. Especially their Cobra tanks. It’s like the Arkham Knight wants Riddler’s spot as most annoying supervillain.
Glad ta entertain, ya, Bats! Now what’re you doing here, trying to steal my new friends? Funny! Usually there’s only one Joker in a pack, but now I got me a whole pack of Jokers!
Don’t be naive, Quinn. They’re pale imitations of him.
Well, yeah! And normally, I might be all sad ‘bout that. But in case you not noticed, I been a bit Tara Strong myself ever since Arkham City, so… wait, where was I? Oh yeah. The killing thing! Fun!
That’s my girl. Say, Brucie, you remember your boy? Old Robin, by the name of Jason Todd? Who you left in my clutches, to torture and kill?
Why would you suddenly bring that up here, out of nowhere?
WHY INDEED?
I’ll worry about it after I defeat the Arkham Knight, who Rocksteady promised was a completely original character created by them in association with DC Comics. First things first, time to put down some Jokers.
Well, you’ve had plenty of practice. But, oh, Bats, the secrets still left to be revealed. For instance…
"I… AM… SHODAN!"
“I… AM… SHODAN!”
Only joking!
Damn, you’re annoying.
Stop talkin’ at the air, B-Man! You’re gonna give me back my Mister J, and this time I ‘aint just goin down to a single punch like last-
"I… stand… corrected…"
“I… stand… corrected…”
We need to talk, Batman. If you’re turning into Joker…. I won’t be able to stop you. You need to get into one of these cells so I can lock you up. Everything will be fine.
In retrospect, I wish I’d put some books or an Xbox in here.
Me too. This will be no fun at all! I have a better idea.
Harley and a paddling pool filled with melted Nutella?
What? No! Knocking out Robin, throwing him in the cell you had put aside for yourself, and leaving him trapped in a base your enemies know about. But Batsy, Batsy, Batsy, I do so like how you’re starting to think.
"BATMAN, YOU SUCK!"
“BATMAN, YOU SUCK!”
S’yeah. Preach it, bird-boy…
Quiet, both of you. Ivy! How’s it going, keeping a low profile?
If by that you mean destroying lots of tanks with deadly vines, it’s going great!
Tonight couldn’t get much worse. Unless of course, the Arkham Knight finally deployed Scarecrow’s fart-
PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFTTTTTT….
PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFTTTTTT….
Why do I say things like that?
Sir, it’s terrible. Rioting on the streets, looting, terror, screaming-
Oh. So, actually, not much has changed in Gotham? For a moment, I forgot that all the civilians have been evacuated, so really this is just criminals getting their ironic punishment.
Do you mind? Some of us criminals are TRYING to help! How about you clear out Scarecrow’s fart cloud before all my plants die? And also me?
Wait, you mean plants are susceptible… to fear toxin?
They’re very emotional! Weeping willows especially. Now GO!
"Luckily my training with the League of Shadows involved many games of The Floor Is Lava."
“Luckily my training with the League of Shadows included The Floor Is Lava.”
Stagg. Switch this off, or I’ll show you the true meaning of fear. When I throw the book at you. By which I mean this DICTIONARY!
Ulp! I can’t! You need to-
Don’t tell me. I need to use Car Car Binks. Because heaven forfend I get to go five minutes without having to drive that piece of crap that’s actually slower than just swinging around the city. Fine. Alfred!
Sir?
I’m diving into the fart cloud. I may be some time. Or become Joker.
Understood, sir. Perhaps at some point, you might ask Master Joker what his breakfast requirements would be. I would so hate for our first day to begin awkwardly.
I’ll be needing lots of Nutella.
Shut up! This isn’t over yet!
Oh, why fight it, Bats? Why struggle for a city that fears you, that never respects you, that still sings songs of your stinkiness during my daring escape that night the Batmobile lost its wheel and Robin laid an egg?
I fight because I must! Because-
If you gave up, you’d never have to drive Car Car Binks again.
Did you hear me? No more awful drone combat! No more banging into corners because the controls were designed by a blind gibbon! No more-
I’m thinking about it…
Enough! Batman! Shall we settle this? Come fight me! MAN TO MAN!
Sigh. By which you mean ‘in our cars’, right?
I can’t see any reason why I wouldn’t.
You are indeed my greatest nemesis.
"How is this driving getting LESS fun? That should be impossible!"
“How is this driving getting LESS fun? That should be impossible!”
Right. NOW will you tell me who you are, Jason? I mean, Arkham Knight!
Nope! Arkham Knight away!
Wait, I just blew up your tank and dragged your limp body out of the evil fart cloud! How the hell do you think you’re getting away?
Off-screen! As if even the game designers couldn’t think of a plausible reason!
Damn it! You’re more annoying than that time Riddler started a barbershop quartet!
In other news, I’m dying.
Have you completed the cure?
Nature always… wins…
"Though admittedly… sometimes… it is a Pyrrhic victory…"
“Though admittedly… sometimes… it is a Pyrrhic victory…”
Ivy. You’re…
That was…. one incredibly powerful fart cloud. By the way, I’ve told all the flowers in the city that if you put any on my grave… they’re to try and choke you… by the balls…
It appears that Ms. Isley had some humanity left within her after all. Master Bruce, would you care to take a moment to acknowledge her great sacrifice for a city she didn’t even like?
Nah.
Batman! You think you’ve won? No! Now the city is clear, and its population entirely made up of criminals is no longer… remind me, what was I trying to accomplish here again?
Showing people that I can’t save my city. How’s that going for you, by the way?
Shut up.
Sir, I really must protest. You haven’t done any of the boring side-quests people keep pushing on you, and their designers worked really, really hard-
I’m BACK! And you’ve lost, Batman! You’ve lost! Watch my final revenge – I will crush your spirit… just like I use this excavator to crush your… car!
"HURRAY!"
“HURRAY!”
What do you mean “Hurray?”
You Arkham arse! We’ve already probably cleared out half the city’s criminals with fear gas, taken out a supervillain, and now we’re sparing him more driving? We SUCK as villains! We’re DOING HIS JOB FOR HIM!
Shut up! SHUT UP! I’m not taking orders from you any more! I’ve wanted to kill him for hours, but noooo, you wanted your fart cloud! Well, enough! Bruce! It’s time for the big reveal! The big reveal that you never saw coming! Yes! I…
"...AM JASON TODD!"
“…AM JASON TODD!”
Oh.
What do you mean “Oh”?! It’s the big reveal of the game!
You didn’t need to be the World’s Greatest Detective to see it coming. Though it is really stupid, since your story predates this whole series and so most of the audience has no idea who you are or emotional attachment to your story.
Please! Who would have been more appropriate?
One of the Arkham family, angry that I destroyed their family’s legacy? Who would actually have been a new character, yet still could have been thematically linked to this series in a way that your story isn’t?
Well, yes, OKAY, so MAYBE-
Talia Al-Ghul, fresh from a Lazarus pit, reasoning that if she destroyed my city, I’d have no ties stopping me from taking Ra’s offer to replace him in the last game?
Actually, that’d have been pretty good.
Honestly, it’d be a better reveal if you’d been Harley Quinn, making up for all her humiliations in the last couple of games while using a voice synthesiser to-
Enough! Fine! I may be the most disappointing plot reveal since the start of Assassin’s Creed 3, but I’m here now, and I will totally get revenge for what you did years before this series even began!
How?
I was thinking of a really lame stealth battle. Like the Mr Freeze fight that everyone loved in the last game, only minus any of the imagination, drama or quality.
For this game? Sounds perfect. BIFF!
"OW! Right under the Red Hood!"
“OW! Right under the Red Hood!”
Damn you! You ruined my life! I will never forgive you!
I’m sorry.
Okay, we’re cool. Laters!
Well, that was easy. Right! Gordon! Let’s go take down Scarecrow.
About that…
"Oh. A guy with a gun. Terrifying."
“A gun. Terrifying.”
Oh, you have GOT to be kidding.
I’m sorry, Batman. It’s the only way to save my little girl.
"I'm not dead after all!"
“I’m not dead after all!”
Of course, this state of affairs can be fixed rather easily. Whoops! Did I just push her off a building in her wheelchair? I think I did.
Rescue her! Then, if you have time, me!
I shall add the Commissioner’s current plight to the Endless List Of Pointless Subquests, sir. Shall I assume this one should be placed somewhere after finally foiling the Riddler?
Please. After this betrayal, I’m giving priority to Crazy Quilt.
"I always meant to ask. Is a clock tower the best place for a paraplegic's base? Only, if there's ever a fire…"
Seriously, is a clock tower the best place for a paraplegic’s base?
I don’t think you’re one to complain about needlessly showy bases, Bruce. Don’t you have a dinosaur in yours?
Fair.
So. Babs didn’t die. Is nobody else going to say it? I’m SO disappointed.
Say wh-
GORDON’S ALIIIIIIIIVE! Anyone? Oh, you’re not fun. Yet.
Right. Bored now. Time to finish this. Come to my spooky… storage depot!
Storage depot?
Do you know how much this army you’ve been destroying cost? Honestly, if this game goes on much longer, we’ll be fighting in a BBC quarry.
I’m on my way. By the way, Oracle. I’m glad you’re not dead.
It’s a little late to try and start being likeable, Batman. This version of you is about as much fun to spend time with as one written by Frank Miller. But thank you for trying. I suppose.
"Great. Twelve TVs and there's nothing on."
“Great. Twelve TVs and there’s nothing on.”
Ah, you came. How ironic, that you give yourself up for fear of my hurting your friends. See? Fear is-
I’m a guy whose every possession is shaped like a bat and who can’t even help squirting explosive gel into a bat shape when nobody’s going to see it, and even I think you’re a little obsessive.
Oh, shut up. Let’s do the nightmare thing. We shall go back to where this all began, when the worst people could complain about was Harley not wearing her jester suit…
My only regret is that I wasn’t smarter than Riddler.
Wait, what? You mean it?
Hahaha, no.
"We could have had our final battle at Taco Bell, but they sold out of my favourites."
“We could have had our final battle at Taco Bell, but nooo!
You see, Batman? The people will see the true face of their ‘saviour’. I will rob them of hope. I will show them… fear.
Honestly, I’m impressed. I never thought you’d do this well. I mean, on my list of villains to worry about, you were somewhere down there with King Tut.
Stop! When you do this, it’s the end! There will be no hiding, no going back… we won’t all be able to pretend we totally don’t know you’re Bruce Wayne any more.
Wait, is it that obvious?
We’re not COMPLETE morons, Bruce.
Wait. Bruce WAYNE?
Did I say Bruce Wayne? I meant… uh… Clark Kent.
Bah! Your lies mean nothing! Not now the whole world will see the Batman for what he truly is!
A chiselled god of a man? A heroic, genius, martial arts expert billionaire who just saved the city from your fart cloud and single-handedly destroyed a three billion dollar army despite having to do it in the world’s most annoying car? The greatest hero in the world?
Right now, perhaps. Let us see how brave you are when your veins run with my fear toxin. Spoiler. Not very brave at all. That’s sort of the point.
"In case you're wondering, yes, I sterilise my syringes. I'm a monster, not an asshole."
“In case you’re wondering, yes, I sterilise my syringes. I’m a monster, not an asshole.”
Nggggh! Joker! Taking! OVER! JOKER! HOOOO HOOO! HOOO HOOOOO HOOO!
Suddenly I can’t help but feel I might have made a tactical error.
Oh, Craney! You have no… idea…  Hoooohooo! My brains, my new body! This city will burn! It’ll look something like this!
HEHEEHEHEHEE!
HEHEEHEHEHEE!
Expecting a city on fire, huh? Oooh, I would hate to be so predict-a-ba-dull… But you know what they say… give the people what they want. Give them what they-
MORE FEAR TOXIN!
Oh, Craney-boy. You really do have a one track mind. But that will have no effect on… no effect on…. me…
"How quickly they forget the murderous clown.  You know. Like nobody remembers John Wayne Gacy."
“How quickly they forget the murderous clown. Like John Wayne Gacy.”
Very funny, Bats! But they will never forget me! Not even if you lock me away in the depths of your subconscious to- Hooo! I just spotted the exact words I shouldn’t have-
"Locked away in your mind! But Bats! That's… not… funny…"
“Locked away in your mind! But Bats! That’s… not… funny…”
Well, that’s that then. Oh, and Scarecrow’s still monologuing.
…and as I said, people of the world. See how you have no hope, no saviour. See the death of the Batman, for there are no unresolved plot threads that could possibly save-
"ARKHAM KNIGHT, BITCHES!"
“ARKHAM KNIGHT, BITCHES!”
OH COME ON! I PAID YOU THREE BILLION DOLLARS TO BE ON MY SIDE!
Money can’t buy you loyalty, Crane. Only a five second speech to deprogram someone from years of hate can do that. Apparently. And now, time to taste your own fear toxin!
BATS! BATS EVERYWHERE! BATS AND-
"Oooooooh, mommy…"
“Oooooooh, mommy…”
Ha! He just wet himself in front of the entire world!
A fitting punishment. Also, I’m going to kick him in the balls.
I HAVE MADE POOR LIFE CHOOOOOOOOICES!
Okay, well. Bye! Turns out I’m not important enough for my story to have actual closure or for me to face justice for literally destroying a city with my own PMC. Toodles!
Well, he’s probably reformed enough not to be worth chasing. So, what now, Batman? Bruce? It’s… over? Everyone knows your secret.
Yes. Actually, I’m not entirely sure why that matters, but it is going to lead to a lot of very, very inconvenient lawsuits about beating up the mentally ill. Alfred, prepare the Knightfall Protocol.
Very good, sir. To activate it, you’ll have to complete all of the annoying subquests you’ve been avoiding. Shall I just load YouTube for you, so you can see what happens?
Please.
It appears that we both fake our deaths, only to reappear a couple of years later and pretty much continue doing what we do without changing anything. Despite there being nobody out there at risk by people knowing who we are who won’t be if we do this.
So, when the intro said that this was how the Batman died?
Rocksteady lying their little tits off, Master Bruce. A little like when they said that the Arkham Knight was an original character, and that the PC patch would be worth waiting for.
How very rude. At least the hallucination stuff was clever. If only they’d ditched the Knight and Car Car Binks, and put more focus on my other rogues along with Scarecrow and Joker, this could have been a great finale. Instead, I leave saddened, and sorry.
On the plus side, Arkham Origins suddenly doesn’t seem quite so disappointing.
I guess that’s something, at least. Well, I’d better go and at least rescue Selina. Alfred, warm the Nutella for our return. It’s been a very difficult day. But now…
The Dark Knight Rises, sir?
I’M BATMAN.

September 16, 2015 - Filed In: General Nonsense