Richard's Online Journal

Alpha Protocol

Filed in: Games, Journal - 29 comments

“When you’re a spy, yoghurt is…” “Oh, just shoot me.”

Alpha Protocol fails at everything. Almost every game system it has is poorly conceived. The graphics are, at best, passable, and are usually worse. It’s sloppy. The writing is very confused. The RPG stats system is an embarrassment. The shooting is a joke. The stealth is a bad joke. Its minigames border on outright torture. Individual sections had me longing to have a DVD copy instead of my Steam one, because then I could have microwaved it. It’s one of the most disappointing games I’ve played in ages.

…and I kinda like it.

It’s a struggle to explain why. Do I recommend it? Did I finish it? Yes, and ten or so hours is a lot of time to spend with a game that is, by any realistic standard, more than a bit rubbish. Here’s my thinking. Deus Ex was a fundamentalist broken game whose every individual element was frankly pretty bad, but it had a genius at the tiller and somehow became awesome as a result. Alpha Protocol has no genius at the tiller, but when it works, when it clicks, you can almost feel the spirit of the amazing game that once existed on Obsidian’s whiteboards struggling to break free.

(UPDATE: After reading other peoples’ experiences, this is only more painful. The amount of player-driven variation in the RPG sections isn’t just fantastic, it’s exactly what I’ve wanted to see for years. If only that level of attention to detail had extended throughout the entire game…)

Getting to that point takes work. The opening mission, set in Saudi Arabia, is a perfect example of a game opening that should have been removed from the master disc with an arc welder. It’s sub-Splinter Cell trash starring a useless main character, instantly drop-kicking the whole “Your Weapon Is Choice” concept by revealing that really, Alpha Protocol is a series of mostly linear levels complete with painted-on doors and impassable waist-high fences, with psychic guards, dismal weapons and atrocious pacing.

Even the all-important scene setting areas show a pathetic lack of care and attention. The main character starts with a QR code on his shirt, but it doesn’t actually work if you scan it in off the screen – the first thing I tried. Your boss, played by Half-Life 2′s Eli Vance, draws your attention to an e-mail that takes up most of the screen and is patently just Lorem Ipsum text. Alpha Protocol itself is the stupidest, most self-defeating excuse for a secret agency since La Femme Nikita walked into Section One. The tutorial missions do such a bad job of explaining the game systems that it wasn’t until near the end, many agonising mini-games later, that I realised I could skip most of them with an EMP grenade. The mission ends with a Metal Gear Solid style boss fight against a tank.

Rubbish. Most other games, I’d have stopped playing right there.

Thankfully, it picks up when you get into the cities. But we’ll get to that.

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Lost: The Board Game

Filed in: Entertainment, Funny, Games, Journal - 0 comments

Available now at all good toy stores.

You’ve seen the show, now live the adventure! LOST: The Board Game (2-6 players) is packed with all the great twists and turns you expect from your favourite show, only with a bit more Snakes and Ladders. It’s even better than replaying Via Domus!

Rules of Play

To decide who goes first, all players must roll a single die, unless Player 1 decides that going first was part of his or her plan all along, in which case Player 2 starts.

Every player rolls two dice per turn. The first die informs the roll of the second, but they’ll ultimately end up being more or less the same because that’s how life works.

Player 5 must press the supplied click-button every 108 seconds, regardless of patience, RSI, or the need for a bathroom break. If the button is not pressed, everyone must immediately argue about it until they realise it’s not as important as it seemed.

Refer to all trips to grab more brewskies as “DHARMA beer drops”.

If Player 2 and Player 3 end up on the same ladder, Player 3 may kick Player 2 to their death. Player 2 then moves ahead five spaces and takes another turn.

Player 6 may never land on the same space as Player 1, unless it just happens.

Player 6 can move up to a hundred spaces per turn, but chooses not to.

Player 1 may insist that up to ten moves are taken back, moving the ladders by one space each. Other players must then replay their exact dice rolls as if that was where the ladders were all along. Anything that goes wrong remains their fault.

Players 1 and 6 may not knife each other to death, unless they can persuade Players 3, 4 and 5 to do it on their behalf. Then it is Acceptable. Also in the game.

In the event of a tie, Player 5 may step into the next room where a very similar game is set up and rearrange the pieces to their liking. It may or may not matter.

Players are not permitted to talk to each other at any point about any mysteries contained within the game, including whose turn it is, or if edits to the rulebook still count if they’re written in biro. (They do not, although additional rules in chalk on the wall are still counted as long as nobody questions them/rubs them out/changes their mind)

Do not eat pickled herring while playing LOST: The Board Game. Just don’t ask.

As compensation for daddy-issues, Player 3 is permitted one extra roll per turn, but is never allowed to move more than 2 spaces away from Player 4. Should this accidentally happen at any point, Player 3 must take an immediate shower/clothed swim to temporarily revitalise the other players’ interest in the game/life.

After sixty turns, the Magic Box is opened. Players must never speak of it again.

If Player 2 rolls three sixes in a row, all non-white players are automatically transferred to another, less important board so that the relevant ones can finish the game in peace.

If Players 3 and 4 leave the main board, they must return within 20 turns, or Player 6 gets to overturn the whole thing and claim victory, unless Player 1 rolls 8 on a single die and it’s full moon on either Tuesday or Saturday. If so, move forward three spaces.

Player 1 always wins. Sorry, it’s the Rules.

“And if you think that’s fun, wait until you see this Chess variant my brother and I were working on!

- Jacob, Lead Designer

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