Richard's Online Journal
iPad
iPad, iPad. iPad iPad iPad iPad. iPad? iPad. iPad iPad iPad iPad iPad. iPad iPad, iPad iPad (iPad iPad). iPad iPad iPad; iPad iPad? iPad!
“iPad iPad iPad iPad iPad iPad iPad iPad iPad iPad iPad iPad iPad iPad iPad iPad iPad iPad iPad iPad iPad. iPad iPad iPad…” — iPad iPad
iPad iPad iPad iPad iPad. iPad iPad iPad iPad iPad, iPad iPad iPad iPad iPad iPad iPad iPad iPad iPad, iPad iPad iPad iPad iPad iPad iPad iPad iPad iPad. iPad iPad iPad iPad iPad. iPad iPad iPad iPad iPad. iPad iPad iPad iPad, iPad iPad iPad iPad iPad. iPad iPad iPad iPad iPad. iPad iPad iPad iPad iPad iPad, iPad iPad iPad iPad iPad iPad, iPad, iPad iPad.
iPad iPad iPad?
iPad.
Miss Effect
IMPORTANT! Mass Effect 2 is now out in North America, and coming to Europe later this week. Yet despite many warnings, Bioware has completely failed to address a glaring error on the box, as spotted by roughly millions of people.
Luckily, there’s an easy fix. All you’ll need is the ability to take screenshots, an existing Mass Effect savegame, a pair of scissors, and some sticky tape.
Fixed! Shephard is a girl, damnit...
For best effect, print off hundreds of them and sneak into your local boutique of electronics using whatever means or biotics you deem appropriate to ensure nobody else falls afoul of this shocking lapse in standards. As for you, Bioware, we’ll forgive it this time — but watch yourselves in the next sequel…
MP For A Week
Actual unedited screenshot from Parliament's new edutainment game designed to teach children how politics works. Yes. Seriously.
Click here to play the game. How fast can you be fired for telling the Chief Whip to go boil her head and sabotaging your own speech about the evils of computer games? My desk was clear by Tuesday lunchtime, and only because I accidentally did something competent on Monday. I’m sorry! Won’t happen again, I swear!
Oh, to hell with it. I’m off to play Yes Prime Minister again.
Antisocial Drinker
One of the many things I’d like to do this year is develop a taste for a “proper” drink. I don’t really mean that in the sense of ‘drink’ drinks, although I don’t do those either — despite working in a field where nothing short of total liver failure is counted as an excuse for not doing so — but any of the standard social ones would be nice. I’d love to have a decent grown-up alternative to either iced water or horrible Coke, something to drink in hotels without being beaten around the face with the minibar’s prices, or simply something healthier than soda (but with actual taste) to drink at home.
(Being an openly-thirsty Coke drinker is no fun at all. Casual drinkers may think that the fountains in cafes and restaurants are merely awful, but no: they’re highly engineered time-saving devices to save the staff the effort of spitting in your drink directly. Casual Coke drinkers are also prone to inane statements about how it all tastes the same, while long-time drinkers can not only tell the difference between Coke, Pepsi and their different flavours, but would rather eat the glass than drink Panda from it.)
The trouble is, neither tea or coffee have ever done it for me. I’m not saying they’re horrible, simply that I’ve never found a cup of either than I’d even want to find in the middle of the desert when urine is still available. Mine or yours, I’m not fussy.
Tea has the downside of being so cultural. You can’t be British and not drink tea — it’s treason, or at least worthy of a slap by Her Majesty, Long May She Reign. But there you go. Even if Asterix did con the nation into thinking it was really a magic potion (that happened, right?) I’ve never seen the appeal. It’s weak, it’s watery, it tastes like a warm dishrag, and worst of all, it elicits the exact same “Ooh, lovely,” sound you get when old people see a digestive biscuit, when really they should be complaining about their host’s shocking cheapness. While I’m on the subject, if those old ladies on Last of the Summer Wine would just shop sensibly, they could all have a chocolate eclair for about the same price as a pack of biscuits. I’m just saying…
And then there’s coffee. Not drinking coffee is the leprosy of our time, if you don’t count actual leprosy. Despite the legions of demonic marketing people out there, you’ll never see a romantic movie where the leads end up on a doorstop exchanging the line “Would you like to come in for a Pepsi?” and let’s be clear here: these people managed to make deodorant capable of withstanding a sun. As far as I can tell, the number of options make going into, say, Starbucks for a coffee the same as going into a restaurant and ordering “Mammal.” Except at least then, you’d get a side of chips with it.
Still, it’d be nice to at least be able to find something drinkable in all this. Failing that, maybe I’ll just buy a job-lot of coffee cups and sneak Coke into them via some kind of hip-flask. If anyone asks why it’s fizzing, I’ll just tell them it’s a Brazillian import that only true connoisseurs have even heard of. And if that fails, there’s always violence.
Paging Jacob Marley
A very Merry Christmas to all the readers who help pay my mortgage, and to Jacob Marley, who really deserved his own ghostly visitations too...
Please, all rise for the traditional Christmas hymn…
Right, I’m heading back to my window to admire the first white Christmas in years. There’s snow everywhere, crisp and even, just as ordered. I can’t remember the last time it was like this, and not sure if we’ll get to enjoy it again any time soon, so I’m temporarily taking off my cynical hat to go say: “Oooh, pretty.”
See you next year, folks.