Richard's Online Journal
Being Humoured
A vampire, a werewolf and a ghost, sharing a house in Bristol. It's the next reality TV sensation... but with a catch. Specifically, reality.
After protests that the new drama series Being Human was depicting the very real monster community in a poor light, the BBC agreed to give three self-proclaimed undead their own reality show to help set the record straight. The following is an unedited excerpt from the first, thus far unbroadcast episode of this exciting supernatural event.
INT: The House, Day Five
MITCHELL: Phillip!
GEORGE: It’s George, remember? We agreed we’d use the show’s names, for clarity.
MITCHELL: What? Oh. Oh, yeah, right. George, have you been drinking my blood?
GEORGE: Your blood? I didn’t see your name on it.
MITCHELL: It’s blood, George, that’s my thing. I’m a vampire, Annie’s a ghost, you’re… you’re the one who’ll be telling the neighbours what happened to their cat.
GEORGE: That is so racist! Just because I got careless, just that one time, don’t go pinning every bad thing that happens on me and my horrific transformations.
MITCHELL: Transformations. Right. You run around naked every full moon, I know that, only I can’t say I’ve heard any werewolf noises while you do it. Now, screams…
The Biggest Loser
Some people say that by publicising things like this, you’re really playing into the creators’ hands. Possibly. However, sometimes, things need to be shared, if only as a warning.
Like everyone, I knew that Sony was putting together a ‘reality’ show about people competing to become a games tester — arguably the most soul-destroying job in the industry, save being whichever poor intern has to get the Lara Croft costume steam-cleaned after shows. Obviously, the idea was always going to be stupid, but I hate to pre-judge. After all, I hadn’t even seen a proper trailer…
Now I have. And in witnessing it, I have come to crave death.
I have no words. Wait, that’s a lie. They’re just words that normally have the vowels replaced by a string of punctuation from the top of the keyboard.
One little vial of ebola. That’s all I ask…
iPad
iPad, iPad. iPad iPad iPad iPad. iPad? iPad. iPad iPad iPad iPad iPad. iPad iPad, iPad iPad (iPad iPad). iPad iPad iPad; iPad iPad? iPad!
“iPad iPad iPad iPad iPad iPad iPad iPad iPad iPad iPad iPad iPad iPad iPad iPad iPad iPad iPad iPad iPad. iPad iPad iPad…” — iPad iPad
iPad iPad iPad iPad iPad. iPad iPad iPad iPad iPad, iPad iPad iPad iPad iPad iPad iPad iPad iPad iPad, iPad iPad iPad iPad iPad iPad iPad iPad iPad iPad. iPad iPad iPad iPad iPad. iPad iPad iPad iPad iPad. iPad iPad iPad iPad, iPad iPad iPad iPad iPad. iPad iPad iPad iPad iPad. iPad iPad iPad iPad iPad iPad, iPad iPad iPad iPad iPad iPad, iPad, iPad iPad.
iPad iPad iPad?
iPad.
Miss Effect
IMPORTANT! Mass Effect 2 is now out in North America, and coming to Europe later this week. Yet despite many warnings, Bioware has completely failed to address a glaring error on the box, as spotted by roughly millions of people.
Luckily, there’s an easy fix. All you’ll need is the ability to take screenshots, an existing Mass Effect savegame, a pair of scissors, and some sticky tape.
Fixed! Shephard is a girl, damnit...
For best effect, print off hundreds of them and sneak into your local boutique of electronics using whatever means or biotics you deem appropriate to ensure nobody else falls afoul of this shocking lapse in standards. As for you, Bioware, we’ll forgive it this time — but watch yourselves in the next sequel…
MP For A Week
Actual unedited screenshot from Parliament's new edutainment game designed to teach children how politics works. Yes. Seriously.
Click here to play the game. How fast can you be fired for telling the Chief Whip to go boil her head and sabotaging your own speech about the evils of computer games? My desk was clear by Tuesday lunchtime, and only because I accidentally did something competent on Monday. I’m sorry! Won’t happen again, I swear!
Oh, to hell with it. I’m off to play Yes Prime Minister again.