Richard's Online Journal

[02/04/07] Sierra Sudden Death Syndrome

Patient Zero

Of all the multitudinous dangers of the late 20th century, none were quite so insidious as the affliction known as SSDS. Symptoms of this most lethal disease included, but were not limited to, the inability to perform even the most basic tasks without keeling over into a lightly cooling piece of meat. Those affected were unable to so much as answer the question "Can you think of any reason why I shouldn't kill you?" with something more convincing than "Uh... no."

Given the nature of the sufferers, and the amount of time devoted to questing on Saturday nights, Darwinian selection was never able to fully compensate. Luckily, those with SSDS soon developed their own physical mutations to deal with it, including pockets of skin where anything from ladders to albatrosses could be stored. These were typically to be found down the sides of trousers, although certain other crevices were occasionally brought into service. This made it possible for patients to carry a wide variety of equipment to help counter their own natural incompetence; although as doctors noticed, this eventually turned into a savage disability.

Not knowing what the future held, sufferers lapsed into pack-rat syndrome, shoving everything from table-salt to beakers of acid down their pants - unable to break the cycle of kleptomania, or even bathe in safety - ensuring that their life expectancy was rarely greater than the length of their quest, and their complete uselessness if the appropriate item wasn't immediately to hand. Ennui soon set in, with sufferers often content to stop even attempting to escape from approaching enemies, in favour of standing stock still, a sad resignation on their face, as their internal organs were turned into balloon animals.

	SUBJECT: Laffer, Larry CAUSE OF DEATH: Drowning Subject flushed toilet in Lefty's Bar (Lost Wages branch) at 08:09. Coroner's report: "At least his SSDS spared him the upstairs hooker's STDs..."
	SUBJECT: Bow, Laura CAUSE OF DEATH: Stabbing Subject was attempting to enjoy a light shower, when Psycho-ed. Coroner's report: "But... the murderer had no reason to kill her. I mean, at all! A truly senseless end."
	SUBJECT: Wilco, Roger CAUSE OF DEATH: Gross Subject picked fight with incredibly tough robot killing machine. Coroner's report: "In fairness, he actually had it coming this time..."

The sad, forgotten victims of SSDS can still be found today, wandering helpless and aimless around the world, unable to progress in their chosen mission for want of a salt-cellar they forgot to pick up before leaving their house some twenty years ago. If you have any pity in your heart, bestow it on these poor creatures.

Or kill them. It's only a matter of time anyway.

Restore, Restart, Quit?