Richard's Online Journal
[16/05/08] Reviewspotting
(UPDATE: Note to the legions currently looking for the Lercyi puzzle solution - it’s down here. You’re welcome.)
Pokedex #42: The Emperor’s New Review
Without knowing anything about the actual reviewer, this is the kind of review you get when a reviewer is having absolutely no fun, but is terrified it might be their fault. Key signs to look for include going phenomenally over the top in describing irrelevant bits of the game, such as how the inventory works, or how the character is controlled (hint: point and click), with all actual opinions phrased using the word ‘you’.
In short, the dreaded words: “If you like this sort of thing, you’ll like this.”
Brrr. Feel the shiver run down your spine…
“Though the sci-fi setting is different to many point-and-click adventures and the objects that you pick up and interact with are of a futuristic-design, many of the puzzles follow the same vein as other games in the genre. That means you can expect to be solving the likes of key code puzzles and numerical codes, riddles and mechanical conundrums as well as combining objects so that you can progress.”
Yes, and you interact with it using your hands! Note the word ‘many’, just in case there’s something really original later on, and the sheer lack of detail. Didn’t mention something? Didn’t want to spoil it. This is copy at its absolute emptiest, good for nothing except that in the event of the developer/publisher/PR bunny getting angry about the review, there’s nothing that can be pointed out as an actual inaccuracy. Well. With the exception of compliments like “should appeal to lovers of the genre and sci-fi fans looking for a challenging adventure and interesting story-line”, because Perry Rhodan is one of the dullest adventures to hit the market since Frogwares first spawned.
Not that anyone ever complains about that.
Reviews like this just aren’t any bloody use at all. Other fun things to look out for: all the (amusingly watermarked) screenshots come from Games Press, and all of them are from the first hour of the adventure. Now, In fairness, I used a pic from one of the starting locations for my review too, but only because I forgot to reinstall FRAPS on my computer after my last system crash and didn’t realise until the last minute.
Next time: “Capital PunIshment”, where a merely mediocre game gets sacrificed on the altar of a writer’s really, really hilarious joke. For examples, see damn near every retro game review on YouTube, except guys like these, who are pretty darn good.
“We’re totally talking about stuff.” “Yup. In the future.”
To turn all this away from being a random, entirely pointless rant, here’s an actual puzzle from the game, which says more than any review really needs. Here’s the setup: You need to get your boss’ computer password, and the only hint is that it’s the name of one of the model ships in his office. Of those ships, one is missing a piece with most of its name on it, with a giant “PUZZLE HERE!” arrow pointing to the gap.
How do you solve this tricky problem?
From the context, it’s obvious that the missing piece has been eaten by his cleaning robot, but even though you’ve already been told that they can be put into ‘blow’ mode, you can’t do that. Damn designer. You might also reasonably expect to find the information in the Hall Of Infodumps nearby, which is supposedly there to give you the information on who the hell Perry Rhodan and friends actually are, but again, no. That would be sensible, and is therefore banned from the Perry Rhodan design bible.
Instead, you have to head across to the other side of the complex, where a technician can fix up a control panel, and send all the cleaning robots outside. For no reason, the friendly guards lose their minds at the sight of these ubiquitous droids showing up, and start running around like headless chickens. You go up and the droid you’re looking for has been conveniently blown open, because Roombas are scary. Whatever. Now you have the name, right? It’s something like ‘Lerci-i-lercyi’, I can’t be bothered to dig out the disc and check, but it doesn’t matter. Puzzle solved!
Except for one problem. You type that into the computer and… no, it doesn’t do anything. Try it again. Try it without the hyphens? Try it as one word? Try the first word? Try putting spaces instead of the dashes? Try screaming abuse at your monitor?
Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, and satisfying, but nope. No, what you’re meant to do is head into your own office and scan the stupid ship on your desktop scanner rather than the convenient one you’ve got round your wrist, at which point the computer politely tells you that since nobody could pronounce the ship’s name, everyone instead calls it ‘Leclerc’. And Perry Rhodan smacks his forehead and goes “Of course!”
Damn you to hell, Perry Rhodan. To hell...
But if you like this sort of thing, you’ll probably like it.
It has gameplay and everything.
They do, but I don’t have much tolerance for puzzles that are just damn stupid. It’s usually indicative of the designer trying to artificially boost the difficulty level and not trying it out on players without his knowledge. Most silliness sounds absolutely fine in the confines of your own head; you can easily ignore the bits that don’t work, and surrounded by what you’re thinking of, it can even seem logical. Then when you actually ask people to play through it, it’s easy to see their struggles as their fault. After all, it all makes perfect sense! What are they, stupid?
(Jack Keane has a phenomenally terrible sequence like that, where escaping from a room - supposedly under time pressure, although you’re not - has about twenty damn steps, all featuring the character ambling around like he’s going out for a picnic...)
The perfect puzzle is one where you look at it in bemusement, spot the catch, and feel good about solving it. The days of pixel-hunting should have died the second someone registered http://www.gamefaqs.com. Being frustrated isn’t fun, and on the internet, it’s not gonna happen.
The real surprise for me with adventure games is how little they’ve historically done with their characters. Inventory-chain puzzles should long have gone the way of the unclimbable fence, but there’s so much untapped potential in the characters and character interaction systems.
I so wish The Last Express had been a success. A lot of it was simple, but it scratched at so many ideas that were just so right, especially in terms of using the environment. I particularly liked the scene where you have to avoid the baddie’s henchwoman. What you’re meant to do is stash the item she’s looking for so that when she finds you, you’re clean. But if you want to just lock yourself in your room and go ‘Lalalalala!’, that works too.
Ah, well. At least Mechner’s finally getting his Prince of Persia movie.
Posted by Richard on Friday 16th May
Never played that one.
I simply could not face the real time aspect in an adventure.
I expected to be under constant pressure and that I would not be able to stand up to it in an adventure game.
What might be good for other games simply would have overwhelmed me in an adventure… or so I thought. :)
Posted by Therlun on Friday 16th May
You’re not remotely under pressure in TLE. You can rewind time whenever you like, if you think you’ve missed something, and there were only a handful of events that would be a problem if you missed them. Likewise, if you had to speak to someone or otherwise hit a plot point, you’d have a decent window of opportunity.
Don’t let that element put you off at all - it’s a really cool ‘walking up and down a train for several hours’ simulator. Which doesn’t sound cool, but is. PC Zone slated it one month, then the next month printed an apology for it due to the reviewer having given it some more time and getting one of those magic ‘click’ moments.
Posted by Richard on Friday 16th May
Nobody wants my money. :(
I’m looking for a game to buy for several weeks now… I just cant find anything that appeals to me.
The “new age of indie games” is still in its diaper stadium, with most indie games simply not being worth even $5 in my humble opinion (Armageddon Empires and Mount&Blade;are my complete indie game collection, odd considering I always saw me as a fan of said origin :P).
I would like a good space trader or trader sim, but what I found was simply bad. :(
I dont expect AAA features, but if game nr. 3 in a series of trade games lacks things like the ability to change the sound and music volumes (you cant even shut the damn music off!) I simply wont even consider buying it.
Steam might be neat, but the catalogue is somewhat limited still. I also noticed that Steam seems to not keep up with the devaluation of games… at all. I saw many of the titles they offer for $40+ as budget versions YEARS ago (not “bargain bin”, but special budget versions => often only a crystal case. Dunno if there is a direct equivalent in the UK).
Not that a lower price would change anything in the Steam collection for me.
Why I post this in another persons blog? Meh… :P
Posted by Therlun on Saturday 17th May
We get a few jewel-case stands in the bigger computer stores, yes. I want more older stuff on Steam too. If the publishers could make it available outside of North America that would also be lovely.
I know the feeling about games, although I tend to have a fairly steady stream of them to review. It can be tough sometimes to play through a whole pile of crap (which is what I’ve got now) and immediately think “Yeah, I want to play a game!”
I really miss the old feeling of absolute excitement, waiting for the postie on Saturday morning.
On the plus side, it makes finding one to get excited about that more special.
Posted by Richard on Saturday 17th May
Jewel case, right! I thought about it but couldnt find the term and was too lazy too look it up.
I also forgot World of Goo!
I got that too. The deal they made with Nintendo delayed the release though… :/
Good for them, but bad if you want to play the damn game :)
Posted by Therlun on Saturday 17th May
Yes, I’m a little annoyed about that. I pre-ordered and the demo bit was fun, but I was expecting the full game… er… a while ago now.
Posted by Richard on Saturday 17th May
Ha! It’s almost like it’s trying to be Discworld but at least with Discworld it was quite upfront about being ridiculously nonsensical.
Posted by Cunzy1 1 on Wednesday 21st May
Hate Discworld the game. So much.
Posted by Cunzy1 1 on Wednesday 21st May
It wasn’t good. Both it and the sequel, Rincewind’s Scavenger Hunt II, were far, far, far too silly in comparison to the books, and some of those puzzles were absolute torture.
Discworld Noir was good though. That one really captured the Ankh Morpork feel, if through a film noir lens.
Posted by Richard on Wednesday 21st May
Shock, horror. The most popular search result leading people to the site right now? LERCYI.
Posted by Richard on Saturday 24th May
Ack.. flashbacks of imp in a rat costume lured out by a worm.
*shudder*
Did you get the number of that really badly voice acted joke?
Posted by Nick on Saturday 24th May
I miss Guybrush. They were happier days.
Posted by Chuff_72 on Friday 30th May
Hm, that’s weird.
The game got pretty good reviews in Germany, even from a magazine who openly hates adventures.
Of course, most reviews acknowledge that the game has one or two stupid puzzles, but you can tell that the designers put their hearts into the games, alone through the production values. And the interviews tell the same story.
But it’s their first “real” adventure, they only did educational titles before, so you expect some n00b mistakes.
And at least they implemented an unusual dialog system.
So, my question is: does the translation, possibly, suck!? Maybe it makes the games just duller and more grating?
I have no idea. Personally, I started playing the demo, but at one point I started yawning and stopped playing. But to be honest, it happens to me with nearly every P&C;adventure, even with LucasArts classics. I guess it happens because you’re doing nothing when your character walks from one point to another.
It’s one of the reasons why I prefer direct control in a 3D environment (it doesn’t work too well in 2D, see Grim Fandango) and NOT Myst like 1st person games (preferrably of the Legend kind).
Posted by Ozzie on Friday 20th June
So, my question is: does the translation, possibly, suck!? Maybe it makes the games just duller and more grating?
It definitely doesn’t help, especially when the opening is so painful anyway. German games don’t tend to make a good cross-over to England in general though. Very different design mindset most of the time, especially when it comes to micro-management.
Posted by Richard on Friday 20th June
Even very good adventures have some of those stupid puzzles though.
Often the mind boggling stupid puzzle for one person is also only a 2 second thought for another…
Am I the only one who thinks puzzles are actually only secondary in most adventures?
IMO they often actually reduce the quality of a game.
Posted by Therlun on Friday 16th May