Richard's Online Journal

[18/09/08] I Can Write Microsoft Adverts Too

“So, that weak observational comedy. What’s up with that?”

I haven’t said anything here about Microsoft’s embarassing adverts in which a one-joke comic stumbles around being paid three million dollars to pretend to be Jerry Seinfeld’s best friend, mostly because of one thing. Criticise the adverts, and the same comment comes out of the woodwork every single blessed time:

“They work because people are talking about them!”

Newsflash: Bullshit. An advert works if it changes the perception of a company for the better, if it shifts product, or better fixes the company in the viewer’s brain. All else is the marketing equivalent of ‘there’s no such thing as bad publicity’. Here are three other adverts that would have gotten the same amount of chatter:

1. A large piece of poo slowly spins on a potter’s wheel. Emblazoned on the back, the word ‘Vista’.

2. “I’m a Mac.” “I’m a PC.” “And I’m John Gacy.”

3. Bill Gates re-enacts the opening of Barbarella.

People have been waiting for the Microsoft counter-attack against Apple for so long, ‘talk’ is pretty much irrelevant. Bill Gates is recognisable enough to mean that Microsoft doesn’t need the name boost. It doesn’t particularly matter how many boxes of Vista Microsoft can ship, not when 99.999% of the PC industry buys its product anyway. And somehow I don’t see many people rushing out to buy Vista as a result of seeing these stumbling adverts. So what’s the point?

You got me. I have no idea what marketing message they think they’re pushing with these badly written head-trips, but I doubt it’s in line with actual reality. The first one, set in a clown shoe store, literally goes nowhere. You can almost hear the money being dangled when Seinfeld stops yammering and starts up with the whole “So, Bill, as a super-endowed supergenius...” bit.

As for the second, Christ almighty. The whole concept of the joke is the two of them getting back to their roots and finding out what real people want, only for the two of them to show nothing but contempt for the ‘real people’ they’re staying with and bail. Microsoft: Out Of Step. Great slogan. Really makes them likeable.

But what would I know? Answer: Plenty.

The good thing is that according to the usual sources, the whole advert campaign’s been a miserable failure, and they’re now dropping the whole Seinfeld angle. Good. I don’t know how much they overpaid PR company for this embarassing farce of a $300 million campaign, but I like to think I have some suggestions for Phase 2.

And by Phase 2, I mean ‘starting from scratch’, of course.

The Top Five New Microsoft Campaigns

1. From Screen To Silver Screen: Microsoft develops a sense of humour and does what it’s done at COMDEX for years, doing Gates and Ballmer versions of movies in the cinema at the time. They’ve done this for The Matrix and Harry Potter and a couple of others too, I think. You won’t have seen them, because the legal attack dogs did a splendid job of pulling this slice of Microsoft’s humane side as far from the internet’s gaze as possible. These wouldn’t just glom off the big names, but do proper self-deprecating things with the stars of various movies, the actual sets, and Bill and Steve and co with proper costumes and dialogue. Hellboy having trouble with his PC? Gates shows up as Abe Sapien, only to get shot in the face as one too many UAC prompts show up. “We’re fixing that...” he groans, dying. Do one of the old ‘If The Starship Enterprise Ran On Windows’ gags, ending on “It may not clean up the Klingons, but we can certainly help with your taxes.” Have Gandalf mistake a Vista CD for the One Ring, and make Frodo go on an endless journey to deliver the warranty card. A whole year’s campaign, keeping people interested and getting them laughing with Microsoft for once.

2. Challenge Vista: Do the whole Mojave Experiment thing in reverse, by which I mean ‘not patronising and stupid’. The main character, a die-hard Vista hater character or some respectable celebrity like Stephen Fry, who delivers non-strawman reasons why people think it sucks. The hardware. The device drivers. Through the adverts, we see that those aren’t in fact a problem, not with anything particularly slick or showy, and definitely without bullshit, but with a simple, snappily cut demonstration of Vista easily deflecting viruses, running on outdated hardware, and all that other jazz. If Microsoft wants to win critics over, that’s the way to do it. And it’s not like there’s a lack of material. This would be combined with a boot-CD or other cut-down version of Vista with the slogan “Vista: See For Yourself”

3. Om Nom Nom: Spend the money on cake instead. Seriously. The Seinfeld adverts were pure Microsoft masturbation, leading the way for another inevitably doomed rebranding exercise for a product that everyone who buys a PC pays for anyway. When you own the world, you don’t need to worry about bad publicity as much as everyone else. $300 million buys a lot of cake. Yummy cake. Scrummy cake. Cake!

4. The Vista Challenge: A puzzle within a series of adverts, with the winners getting free Microsoft stuff. Why? Simple. Individual copies of Vista don’t mean a damn thing, and there’s a solid crossover with the people who play things like ARGs and the ones who buy things like Linux. In watching the adverts, you still get to worm a bit of advert into their ears, even if they spend the whole series bitching about it.

5. And Of Course... Bill Gates re-enacts the opening of Barbarella. Some things, the world just needs to see. This is one of those things.

I’ll just hold on here for that cheque and phonecall, Microsoft.

No hurry. Whenever you’re ready.

Join the discussion on this story

Add your words to this discussion

No logins needed! Avatars are powered by Gravatar. Spam filters are in operation - let me know if you get caught. Posts may be deleted or edited. Please keep the tone civil, your spelling/grammar readable, and all language PG friendly.