Richard's Online Journal

[11/11/07] Gadget Corner

I promised myself I wouldn’t. I told myself, only silly people rush out to buy expensive technology they don’t need. I even wrote up on the wall - wait. Wait and see. Let the craven fools rush out and spend their hard-earned money on electronics that will bring them only disappointment, misery, and possibly death.

But I couldn’t hold out. I felt my grip slipping. And now I too have my own boxed unit of this Christmas’ biggest sensation sitting proudly on my desk.

The Neo Double Games!

Confession feels good for the soul. You may know this unit from the fine Dr. Ashen, and I mean that quite literally because I got it from him. He didn’t like it very much. In fact, he hated it so much (Warning: Contains very rude words), he bought a crate of them just so he could experience the joy of getting them out of his life multiple times.

But that’s just sanity talking. In reality, it’s a genuinely spiffing little console. Better, you might even say, than the Nintendo DS, of which its cheap Chinese rip-off design is careful not to remind you of. Before the men in white coats arrive, let me explain.

It’s Cheaper!

With a manufacturing cost of approximately zero squared, you can buy almost twenty of them for the cost of one Nintendo DS, or part-exchange using a couple of Fruit Salads from any Pic-and-Mix store in the country (But not Blackjacks, which everyone hates). It looks the same at Nintendo’s most-recent-but-one console, which means it must be as good. Right? Right. Form over function, every time.

All this makes it the perfect gift for little children, or short-sighted relatives, or just people you simply want to see go from highly excited, to crushed, with the hollow stare of disappointment ringing inside their great big stupid heads.

It’s also rumoured that you can acquire these fine consoles for free, from disappointed kids outside charity stores and bargain bucket stores with the words ‘Pound’ or ‘Thrift’ in their name. Some people have reported good success catching them as they fly out of windows into the street, with the bonus that in that situation, batteries are usually supplied. Concussion too, if you’re lucky.

It’s More Convenient!

Not only is it so light, you’ll wonder if there’s anything in there, you get two free games capable of killing whole minutes, or flies, depending on how hard you can throw. Unlike the Nintendo DS, both games fit snugly into the console itself, saving you the trouble of carrying around a pack of cartridges. And the whole thing is so rubbish, it saves you the trouble of carrying itself too! It’s the most convenient console ever made.

It’s Safer!

There’s no chance whatsoever of getting addicted to these games, and thus becoming a murderous gamer of the kind Jack Thompson fears so much. And even if you do, the unit has a life expectancy of roughly five minutes, giving you plenty of time to seek help.

It’s the Neo Double Games!

And as you can see, it’s borderline essential. Every Neo Double Games comes with two excreble pieces of entertainment to delight and amuse, including Football, Street Fighter, Fortress Guardian, and Submarine Invasion. This one features the last two. Trying to follow the story is somewhat difficult, due to the fact that while the Neo Double Games uses the latest word in 1980s Game And Watch technology - that word being ‘crapulent’ - the cut-scenes and mission briefings seem to have been omitted. Much like Portal and Ico, it’s left to the player to determine the truth.

As far as I can gather, that goes something like this…

Fortress Guardian: You are Jack Johnstone, helicopter pilot extra-ordinary. Your mission, should the cartridge work, is to fly the prototype XV-3242p helicopter against the insidious forces of the evil Baron Elric Flubberbottom, as he sends waves after waves of other helicopters to assault the Four Fortresses of Freedom. To defend your people, you’re armed with two amazing weapons - the Quantum Gun That Fires Forward, and the Electro-Pulse of Downward Zapping Into Your Supposed Friends. Fight on, brave hero!

Submarine Invasion: You are John Jackstone, submarine captain with a secret past. Your mission, should the cartridge not start playing Soccer with broken graphics, is to pilot the RL-5313z submarine against the insidious forces of the evil Dr. Snidely Wafflecake, as he sends wave after wave of attackers against your home planet. To defend your people, you’re armed with two amazing weapons - the Adamantium Missile of Shooting Onward, and the knowledge that submarines aren’t much use in a land invasion. For king and country, you beautiful human being!

Sniff. Stories like that always bring a tear to my trousers…

The Neo Double Games also doubles as a convenient way to repair a table-leg, due to the fact that it can double/halve in size on demand, making it twice as likely that it will be able to support anything but an actual load-bearing table. It’s also rumoured that if you grind it up in a blender and sniff the dust, it’ll tear your lungs into a million pieces and make you die a horrible death. Be advised, this would violate your warranty, if the people who made it didn’t laugh uproariously at the mere sound of the word.

So there we are. Truly, an awesome piece of kit that makes me proud to love technology. A salute to you, ye makers of Chinese tat, and the good Doctor who released them into the world that others might suffer.

Oh, and I got one of these thingies too.