Richard's Online Journal

[07/06/07] From The World Of Big Brother

Six celebrities will be paired up with six genuine criminals in the ultimate reality show; a televisual event so cynical, it could only be a hit. Critics are already calling it “scandalous”, “blasphemous” and “top hole entertainment, what”.

But for its creators, only one name would do:

Moving from the comfortable furnishings of the Big Brother House to the stone-clad hell of Winfield Penitentiary, justice has never been so televised, and therefore awesome. Every week, the Chain Gang Buddies will battle it out to win your love - and your mercy. Why? Because every week, the choice is yours - to release a celebrity idol or…

...Free Barabbas!

Yes, this time the prize is far more than mere money. Whichever inmate is chosen for release, their partner must return to their cell to serve out the rest of the prison sentence in full. No parole. No chance of lucrative book contracts. No time off for good behaviour, even if they are a horse-faced socialite. Just twenty years of hard labour, and a commemorative Free Barabbas pot to piss in.

“I’m rooting for Mario ‘Corkscrew’ Spinetti,” cheered onlooker Cecilia Darringtree, waving a blood-soaked flag as the inmates met their new celebrity bunkmates. “Sure, they say he raped ten people while high on PCP, but just look at those dimples! How could anyone stay mad at that face?”

Critics of the show are already protesting its existence, partly due to it marking the final nail in the coffin for respect, law, and order, but mostly because of having to watch Neil and Christine Hamilton walk to their cell naked, Alcatraz style, even after the guards asked them not to. “There’s some things nobody should ever have to see,” hissed cellmate and former gangland assassin Carlos ‘Icepick’ Mendez, currently recovering in the Winfield medical wing after trying to carve his own eyeballs out with a shiv. “I told ‘em I’d say where I stashed the loot, but the bitch kept wobblin’!”

The show’s producers assure everyone that psychologists will be on hand throughout the filming of the show, assessing the participants’ mental state, and ensuring that all contestants are treated with dignity and respect whenever conducive to good telly. They point out that this is a fascinating social experiment, and their team of highly paid experts agrees.

Disgraced sociology professor Dr. Amanda Peckinpah is particularly excited about the study being undertaken, expressing a particular interest in seeing whether the cult of personality that tends to build up around criminals and criminality will have any impact on the general public, and whether their natural sociopathic charms will be sufficient to turn people away from former idols.

“I bloody hope so,” she sighed. “Just so long as they get Cheggers.”

Inside the walls, news of the show being filmed has cheered the historically downtrodden residents. For many, the show is their one chance to return to the civilised world, and none more so than new fan-favourite Alan ‘Mooner’ Redspan. This professional serial killer and DIY abattoir enthusiast first shot to the public’s attention when he shot five police offers. It was then, serving the first of many consecutive sentences, that he devised the gimmick that would make him famous; sewing his victims’ faces onto his buttocks to better taunt any law enforcement trying to catch him.

After promotional photographs from Free Barabbas: Series One were leaked online, the East Texas Gazette controversially announced Redspan as the state’s #4 bachelor, cementing his position as the series’ most charming figure, including the hosts. Even so, ignoring his fifty marriage proposals, the annoyance of his new fan club, and the lucrative toy contract he plans to sign next week, prison officials insist the easy-going murderer will still get the Chair… unless he can beat Vanessa Feltz in Friday’s big pie eating contest.

Onlookers rated the criminal’s chances as slim, but then stopped talking for fear of going for an easy joke that would only make them feel ashamed when they had time to reflect.

As for the man himself: “I want everyone to know, I bitterly regret my crimes,” said Redspan, appearing in public for the first time since his triumphant escape all those years ago. “All I’m looking for is a third chance, and forgiveness from the survivors of my second,” he added. “This time when I found Christ, he wasn’t made of pointy metal.”

The first season of Free Barabbas begins this Sunday.