Richard's Online Journal
Antisocial Drinker
One of the many things I’d like to do this year is develop a taste for a “proper” drink. I don’t really mean that in the sense of ‘drink’ drinks, although I don’t do those either — despite working in a field where nothing short of total liver failure is counted as an excuse for not doing so — but any of the standard social ones would be nice. I’d love to have a decent grown-up alternative to either iced water or horrible Coke, something to drink in hotels without being beaten around the face with the minibar’s prices, or simply something healthier than soda (but with actual taste) to drink at home.
(Being an openly-thirsty Coke drinker is no fun at all. Casual drinkers may think that the fountains in cafes and restaurants are merely awful, but no: they’re highly engineered time-saving devices to save the staff the effort of spitting in your drink directly. Casual Coke drinkers are also prone to inane statements about how it all tastes the same, while long-time drinkers can not only tell the difference between Coke, Pepsi and their different flavours, but would rather eat the glass than drink Panda from it.)
The trouble is, neither tea or coffee have ever done it for me. I’m not saying they’re horrible, simply that I’ve never found a cup of either than I’d even want to find in the middle of the desert when urine is still available. Mine or yours, I’m not fussy.
Tea has the downside of being so cultural. You can’t be British and not drink tea — it’s treason, or at least worthy of a slap by Her Majesty, Long May She Reign. But there you go. Even if Asterix did con the nation into thinking it was really a magic potion (that happened, right?) I’ve never seen the appeal. It’s weak, it’s watery, it tastes like a warm dishrag, and worst of all, it elicits the exact same “Ooh, lovely,” sound you get when old people see a digestive biscuit, when really they should be complaining about their host’s shocking cheapness. While I’m on the subject, if those old ladies on Last of the Summer Wine would just shop sensibly, they could all have a chocolate eclair for about the same price as a pack of biscuits. I’m just saying…
And then there’s coffee. Not drinking coffee is the leprosy of our time, if you don’t count actual leprosy. Despite the legions of demonic marketing people out there, you’ll never see a romantic movie where the leads end up on a doorstop exchanging the line “Would you like to come in for a Pepsi?” and let’s be clear here: these people managed to make deodorant capable of withstanding a sun. As far as I can tell, the number of options make going into, say, Starbucks for a coffee the same as going into a restaurant and ordering “Mammal.” Except at least then, you’d get a side of chips with it.
Still, it’d be nice to at least be able to find something drinkable in all this. Failing that, maybe I’ll just buy a job-lot of coffee cups and sneak Coke into them via some kind of hip-flask. If anyone asks why it’s fizzing, I’ll just tell them it’s a Brazillian import that only true connoisseurs have even heard of. And if that fails, there’s always violence.
Enjoyed That? Try One Of These
There are 17 Comments on this story
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I drink my coffee (decaf, sniff) from a tall, thick glass. People often think I’m drinking Coke. So my suggestion is that you get everyone else to copy me, and then when you’re drinking Coke from a glass they’ll assume you’re drinking coffee. Or if making everyone else change what they drink coffee from is too much of a problem for you, because you’re lazy or something, then you could always stop being so stupid and like coffee. Posted by John Walker on January 10, 2010 |
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So long as the syrup levels are up, coke from a fountain is lovely though not as lovely as coke in a glass bottle. Ranking at the bottom end of the scale is coke in a plastic bottle however. See, coke drinkers can be conniseurs as well. “Mmm, yes that’s definetly the poisoned Indian water supply. It has subtle aromas of worker exploitation and enviromental damage.“ Posted by EGTF on January 10, 2010 |
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Am interested in if you do discover anything. The most awkwardness comes when ordering only water as your drink at a restaurant… Posted by Vitalis on January 10, 2010 |
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Well, I’m open to suggestions… Posted by Richard on January 10, 2010 |
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How about Tradewinds Ice Tea with real tea or Ginger Ale? Posted by Rain on January 10, 2010 |
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Um… what about wine? Ever tried it? I think white wine would go perfectly with fish and chips, too. ^^ Posted by Marianna on January 10, 2010 |
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I don’t have this problem, thankfully. As a Glaswegian I’m genetically pre-disposed towards alcoholism. “What’s that? Water? I never touch the stuff myself.” I can’t abide coffee, though. And the whole ‘five quid for a mug of hot foam’ thing that you get in Starbucks and the like, I think that’s madness. If you’re going to spend that much on a drink, it might as well have a *proper* drug in it… Posted by Iain on January 10, 2010 |
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I’ve never been able to drink any kind of alcohol. Even the really mild stuff, heavily mixed with coke and other drinks, I find undrinkably unpleasant. But then I find that with a lot of things. I tend to eat very, very bland food without much seasoning (with the exception of salt, which I really abuse) Posted by Richard on January 10, 2010 |
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Point taken. I have a friend who always just asks for water when he comes around, I guess from now on I’ll stop trying to push all my other available beverages on him. But I will have you know I am not being cheap if I offer you tea, I have a small but exquisite selection of rooibos teas which are shockingly expensive but worth every last cent (or øre, as the case may be). Posted by Jonas on January 10, 2010 |
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Richard, Cold drink — how about some juices? Lemonade, apple juice, or a more exotic coconut milk? If you like fizzy drinks (which I avoid) there are all sorts of strange concoctions to be found in supermarkets. Hot beverage — Teas that aren’t. I mean, there’s a whale load of different herbal mixtures people drink, from actual tea to mint extract to Chai to Camomile stuff. Give some a shot. I find it odd that you say on the one hand that you eat bland food and can’t stand strong drinks, but on the other hand find tea “weak and watery”. Maybe make some stronger tea? Perhaps find an obscure mixture that hearkens from the dark underground fungal jungles of Antarctica, or something exotic you can tell people snobbishly about as you dip your thread-of-gold teabag in a steaming cup. Posted by zipdrive on January 11, 2010 |
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Water with flavour or just plain water. It’s not awkward if you don’t find it awkward. Posted by MacQ on January 11, 2010 |
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Eating the glass before the Panda dissolves it is an excellent ‘dry party’ party game. Posted by Cunzy1 1 on January 11, 2010 |
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I really dislike coffee (although I find myself forgetting that quite often and ordering some because of some unconscious peer pressure, and because it smells good. But like all herbal teas, the smell is always a hyperbolic lie), but I’ve found I like Chai lattes. I first had them at a chain called Gloria’s Coffee in Australia and got hooked, but the ones from starbucks are alright if you make sure they’re made of mostly milk and very little water. Fenteman’s (sic?) ginger beer is really nice, too. Not in tea, though. Posted by Juliet on January 11, 2010 |
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I’ll throw up a second to ginger ale (with ice) and those bottles of lemon iced tea are surprisingly nice. Ginger ale and cranberry juice is a nice mix too. Posted by Nick on January 12, 2010 |
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Have you tried alcohol free beer — there are a few around, but most bars have Kaliber. I quite like it and drank it a lot as I often drove to the pub. You can then join in with a pint of beer without drinking an alcoholic drink! Posted by Sam on January 14, 2010 |
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I can’t stand coffee either, and I didn’t really drink tea until a lived a year in Japan and couldn’t really escape the stuff. Now I drink a couple of mugs of green — or white — tea a day. Might be you just have to pick the least unpleasant option and force yourself to like it through repeated exposure. Posted by Sören Höglund on January 19, 2010 |
Thankyou, I am not the only one!
It’s just as bad when you go round someone’s house.
“Can I get you anything? Tea? Coffee?“
“I’ll have water, thanks.“
“Water? Are you sure? We’ve got squash, or juice, or a beer if you want?“
“No, just water thanks.”
Every time I ask for water they act like I’ve slapped them round the face and insulted their hospitality. But water is what I drink 99% of the time at home!
Posted by James on January 10, 2010