Richard's Online Journal
The Gamers Guide To Dating
Ever since Kotaku posted its infamous Guide To Getting Hits, it seems like every site out there has been falling over itself to take a slice of the pie. But what if you don’t want to either pick up a porn star or take a stand against institutionalised misogyny, and simply want to find a way to embrace that bizarre creature that is called girl? Can games help? Yes! Here’s your* real five step guide to romantic bliss.
(* Disclaimer: Guys only. Everyone knows girls only play Tetris anyway.)
1. Be A Mage: Cannot stress this one enough. Not only are Mages inherently best, playing as one demonstrates all the qualities that mark you out as a true catch. A career of glass-cannon misery as you struggle to maximum level? Commitment! Power? What else can you call control over the elements themselves? And if that doesn’t work, giant balls of undying flame are awesome. Unless it’s from syphilis. Then not so much.
Lord of Magic. God of Sex.
2. Never Actually Meet: Not only does conducting the entire relationship online guarantee you stay in your comfort zone, it’s by far the most productive way. It’s a rare lady who’ll accept you bringing a netbook along to your first date to sneak in a bit of gold-farming between courses. Plus, if she starts ‘talking’, you can just shunt the conversation window onto your second screen. Deflection like that in a restaurant usually results in a slap in the face, and worse, no chocolate pudding.
3. Learn From The Experts: Stuck for a pick-up line? Who better to teach you than the country that’s made more dating games than anyone else? Japan will Provide.
"Sniff. That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard."
4. Set The Bar Realistically Low: Okay, so you’re not a ‘great catch’. But you can be ‘a relief, considering’. This is your weapon! Combine it with the power of dating websites and you can both a) find people willing to look past surface details to your supposed hidden depths and b) filter out the hideous hairy she-trolls you wouldn’t be seen dead with. Everyone wins! Better yet, everyone wins with you never having to put your feelings on the line or make the first move! Ultrakill!
No gold diggers! I'm saving my gold for a different epic mount.
5. Break Up Like A Gamer: Have your break-up line ready in advance, confident that you will walk away from the relationship the Winner. In fact, break off when everything’s going great, just to be on the safe side.
“Like the shotguns Lara Croft finds in ancient tombs, I’ve always been here for you, but I can’t explain why…”
“Sweetie, it’s been fun, but I don’t think I’ll be resubscribing.”
“Would you dress up as Aeris for me? I already got my Sephiroth costume…”
“Three frags left!”
And remember, if everything goes wrong, there’s always your next life.
The one bang anyone can end the night on.
Enjoyed That? Try One Of These
There are 15 Comments on this story
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In one of those horrible eroge games, you may as well add “not to mention my cousin, and the boss.” Posted by Richard on December 13, 2009 |
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“singlegreenorc”? Might I request some links to any discussion about that Kotaku article? Mostly because I am desperate to procrastinate this paper for a few hours more, but I would really like to see more people call Kotaku out on their ridiculous nerd baiting. Posted by Jonas on December 13, 2009 |
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Thanks for the link. Almost missed this new games journalism ‘scandal’. Posted by Rain on December 13, 2009 |
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I’m not sure it counts as a ‘scandal’ so much as a ‘thing’. A silly one, but… meh. Posted by Richard on December 13, 2009 |
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No it sure isn’t but it (seems to be) one of those funny widespreading discussions that arise from time to time. Like ‘Are games art’, seemingly corrupt game mags, sexism and the gamers image to the public, arguments over (N)GJ etc. Posted by Rain on December 13, 2009 |
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Yes, not least because anyone who writes one gets to both play for the moral high ground and still use lots of sexy pictures and key-words. Posted by Richard on December 13, 2009 |
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This is all well and good, but we need a gamers guide to dancing, when I’m busting moves in a night-club what I really need is to be able to do is the dances from Guild Wars. That would certainly impress everyone. Posted by Lack_26 on December 16, 2009 |
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You’re not allowed to just stand there and yell “SLASH DANCE. SLASH DANCE. SLASH DANCE” all evening? Suddenly, the odd looks make sense… Posted by Richard on December 16, 2009 |
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As a gamer, the best way to break up with someone is to have an epic rage-quit. Preferably with a thrown keyboard or joypad in hand. ** SexehBelf has quit (Connection reset by peer) Posted by Iain on December 18, 2009 |
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@Lack_26: I think this is just what you’re looking for. Funny article, Richard, though I probably laughed hardest at that profile for “grimilicious”. Posted by Sunder on December 27, 2009 |
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Thanks! And he’d probably be in with a chance too… Posted by Richard on December 27, 2009 |
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A funny, enjoyable article Richard. Did you ever see The Noob Comic? Well worth a google/read — over 360 pages of free online comic — luckily I had the flu for a week. Every cloud… Posted by Sam on January 13, 2010 |
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Nope, don’t know that one. Will check it out. Posted by Richard on January 13, 2010 |
For maximum effect one should add: ‘including your best friend’ to that ‘I had sex with most of the girls here’ pick-up line.
Posted by Rain on December 13, 2009