Richard's Online Journal

Greetings and salutations. In case you were wondering, Richard Cobbett is a writer and journalist and producer of many other things involving words. He likes cats, hates spiders, and plays a lot of games. This is his website...
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Dec
18

Graze vs. SHOVEL!

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OFFICE WORKERS! Have you fallen victim to this Graze ‘healthy eating’ madness? Do little boxes of NUTS and BERRIES and other SQUIRREL FOODS keep landing on your co-workers’ DESKS? And do you have to put up with those WUSSES trying to make you join in with their NIBBLES? Don’t their svelte, sexy bodies make you SICK?

Well, seethe no more! SHOVEL! is here to KICK YOUR FACE.

SHOVEL! For MEN. Also WOMEN. And CHILDREN. But NOBODY ELSE!

Every SHOVEL! box comes with FIVE TIMES YOUR DAILY RECOMMENDED CALORIES, and that’s just the WRAPPING! For only £20 per day, we’ll deliver MORE SUGAR THAN YOU CAN HANDLE, right to your office desk or the hospital bed where you are being treated for AWESOME. Doctors round the world agree, NOBODY needs this much food. SHOVEL! is a SOCIAL OBSCENITY. But you WANT it, don’t you? YES YOU DO.

Think for yourself. OBEY THESE WORDS. Choose SHOVEL!

(* Disclaimer: Gluttony is a sin. Every purchase of SHOVEL! comes with a free eternity of burning hellfire at the hands of a devil who still won’t believe how quickly you arrived. Also contains gluten)

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There are 7 Comments on this story

So, do you accept paypal?

Posted by CraigL on December 18, 2009

Wondering what all the Graze fuss is about? Use the voucher code FXMFJQ9 for your free box.

Posted by Simon on December 18, 2009

INFILTRATOR! DARK AGENT OF THE VEGAN MAFIA!

Posted by Richard on December 18, 2009

I was a perfectly healthy person until I tried SHOVEL. Now I’m getting treatment for AWESOME of the eyes, ears and throat. Thanks SHOVEL!

Posted by Aaron on December 18, 2009

Do you do a savoury junk food option as well? I’m thinking Fish n Chips, Beefburgers, that sort of artery clogging goodness.

Posted by The_B on December 18, 2009

I thought I was fat before but I tried SHOVEL and now I have a HEART ATTACK before I even get out of bed.

I don’t think it even counts as food!

Posted by Cunzy1 1 on December 18, 2009

The Surgeon General warns: SHOVEL! should not be taken aurally. You’ll look silly with a marshmallow Flump sticking out of your ears all day.

But feel free to try it if you like.

Posted by Richard on December 18, 2009