Richard's Online Journal
Modern Warfare: No Russian
Achievement Unlocked: Best Terrorist Ever
So, I finally played it. I’d have played it earlier, but my copy was on Steam, so it only unlocked at midnight this morning and I decided to go to bed instead of participating in a terrorist massacre. I know, lousy priorities, but I was sleepy.
I have no idea how I’d have reacted to it had I come in cold, since over the last week or so, it seems like my Twitter feed has consisted of nothing but people arguing the pros and cons of the whole thing, the leaked video, arguments about whether games should be touching this kind of stuff at all… I realised long ago that, like the (genuinely good) nuke section in the original Modern Warfare, all I was actually going to feel when I actually got it up on my screen was “Oh, it’s this bit.”
How did I feel? “Oh, it’s this bit.”
See? I know me too well.
Interestingly, you’re not allowed to be offended at this mission. When the option comes up to skip it — labelled Disturbing Content Notice, although I found the Notice at best slightly startling — it clearly makes you click an option labelled “No, I will not be offended.” Never mind that it doesn’t tell you what you’re agreeing not to be offended by. You made your choice, soldier! Hooah! And other gutteral sounds.
Unfortunately, I was offended. By the design. Ignoring the moral implications entirely, No Russian really is a load of crap. The basic setup is that you’re an undercover CIA agent, assigned to infiltrate a terrorist group run by a guy called Makarov. Makarov’s plan is to shoot up an airport to prove his Big Bad status in the hope of meeting Jack Bauer, and unlike most games of this ilk, by shooting up the airport, he’s talking about gunning down civilians instead of causing some property damage or killing off-screen innocents. The four of you very slowly walk around with guns, massacring everyone with a pulse as they run around screaming. You don’t have to take part, but you can’t play the hero. Turn your gun on Makarov and you blow your implausible cover and the mission ends instantly. What japes. What fun! What a load of crap.
Interesting that Infinity Ward didn’t set this mission in an American airport, huh? Wouldn’t want any media backlash or anything…
Why is this dumb? Let me count the ways. First, your character is hardly a deep cover specialist — he’s an American Army Ranger just drafted into the Company, who as far as I can tell, we’re expected to believe has infiltrated this group and learned to pass as a native Russian (or thereabouts) in the course of one single day. In writing terms, this is roughly five steps up from the classic deus ex machina, what Aristotle’s Diuretics famously described as ‘Are you f&^king kidding?’
The mission briefing consists of… nothing. There are words, but they’re like snot balls flicked at the wall. You have no idea what Makarov wants. You have no idea what you’re trying to accomplish. Is there a nuke? Am I meant to be earning his trust to meet his boss? Why are we not just shooting this guy, or pulling him out of the airport in the diplomatic bag, especially since he’s only guarded by two guys? Are we talking political immunity? Does my boss just want him to return his Red Dwarf DVDs?
Seriously: What’s going on? What are the stakes here? It’s one thing to play with the idea of the ends justifying the means, but dammit, tell us the ends! Our character is a willing participant in this (or at least, obeying orders to stay close to Makarov), even if we’re only forced into it by the linear game structure and desire to get back to harmlessly shooting foreigners in the balls, making it more than a little relevant to know what we’re doing before the plot gets round to explaining the purpose behind our counter-terrorist chicanery. A lie is fine. But we need something.
Next, the basic concept. It’s a frame-job, intended to turn Russia against America (and spark an invasion) when they find the corpse of a CIA agent in the middle of the civilian massacre. Fine, in theory, even if it begs the question of how anyone knows what you look like after a whole day in the CIA, especially after having your face blasted open by Makarov at the end of the level (again: smooth move, idiot).
Except you know what’s quite popular in airports? Security cameras. The kind that would show the known terrorist, who hasn’t even bothered with a face-mask, leading the assault, along with a couple of his equally identifiable pals. At the very least, this would give America a bit of wiggle-room, politically speaking. At worst… well, it’s a really silly idea for a setup. Not speaking Russian during the massacre offers Makarov about as much protection as Clark Kent’s glasses. He’s a dribbling imbecile, and far from considering him a Chessmaster, I moved onto the next mission just shaking my head in amazement that he can eat with a fork without spearing his brains out.
Maybe he can’t.
There are so many better ways this mission could have been set up, both as an action sequence and as a thought-provoker. For instance, have the main character unaware of the whole civilian massacre thing until a gun gets slapped into his hand. Or have your actions during the siege come back to haunt you later on, like the river sequence in Metal Gear Solid 3, the courtroom bit in Chrono Trigger, or the trial to see how honourable you were in Conquests of the Longbow. At the absolute least, it needed to establish the stakes up front, make the mission feel like part of the plot before you know what the big plot is, and ideally, make it look like the CIA isn’t charging headlong at a banana peel and looking surprised to find itself on its arse.
Sadly, the crappiness of the writing isn’t even part of the controversy here. Sigh. Where’s Liara’s naked blue bottom when you need it?
How crushing. Sorry! Shocking! I meant shocking! I’m a rubbish spy.
Semi-randomly, one thing this level reminded me of was the old interactive movie Spycraft. Like Modern Warfare, it featured a scene deemed so horrifying that players should be able to skip it — specifically, an interactive torture sequence, with the player at the controls. You need to get some information out of an enemy agent, Ying, and have two possible routes. The proper route is to painstakingly fake a photograph so that it looks like her partner has been captured. The controversial route is to strap her into an electric chair and zap her until she squeals. Your choice, Agent Thorne.
Unlike Modern Warfare’s theme-park sadism, this was a pretty well done scene, and deeply unpleasant — even if it was just flickering lights and shouts of pain. Your colleagues are divided on whether it’s acceptable to take this path, but it’s made perfectly clear that nobody’s going to protect you if you screw up and kill the subject. For a bit of added spice, there was even the possibility of getting shouted at for it by an actual former head of the CIA, who Activision hired to play himself in a few of the cut-scenes. As I remember, he didn’t — but that’s not the point, he could have! And surely even the most hardened gamer would feel shame at that.
Oh, incidentally, just after the massacre in Modern Warfare 2? A light-hearted interlude where your boss casually tortures someone with a car battery. Classy! But it’s okay, because that happens behind a closed door. If Fox News has taught us anything, it’s that this makes it okay. Also that there is no food in the universe that the faces of Sean Hannity and Glenn Beck couldn’t put any sane person off eating.
As for No Russian, it’s just no good. No fooling. I’d comment on the rest of the game, and how it feels like watching a really exciting movie with a friend who insists on rewinding every few seconds, but right now, I’d rather be playing Dragon Age. So I will. Mages are awesome. I wish Modern Warfare had mages in it.