Richard's Online Journal

Windows 7

Filed in: betterthanvista, butwhatisnt, computing, humour, windows

It’s Windows 7 Launch Day, and obviously, it’s the most exciting thing ever to happen.

If you’ve already used previous versions of Windows, you’ll know the rough score already — initial optimism inevitably drained away by rubbish drivers, software manufacturers who’ve been slow to update their software despite 7 being basically the same as Vista and having over a year in which to do their goddamn jobs instead of sitting back and eating cake. There are however important undocumented changes to be aware of before you get started, especially in the light of the many bugs being automatically patched on this, the first day of what will one day become known as the Year of Windows 7 / Era of the Snake People From The Moon. Probably.

Changelog, 22/10/09

The traditional installation minigame has been removed. If you want the fun of formatting your whole drive only to find out half-way through installation that there’s a scratch on the disc, you must now scratch it yourself with a blunt compass point. Microsoft has however upgraded your inability to type a perfectly simple 94 character serial number, ensuring that you have to enter it three times before it works, despite it clearly being right, look, I totally checked it twice, oh wait that’s a G.

Windows no longer laughs maniacally during installation.

Ultimate Extras: While there is no Porn and Bikini wallpaper set supplied with Windows 7, Microsoft Customer Services has been instructed to assure the spouses of users with the Ultimate edition that in fact there is. Home Premium users must face the music for not covering up their screens fast enough. Please note: if you consider this insulting and patronising, remember the Ultimate Extras you got last time.

Disk Defragmenter and Chkdisk now run 40% slower in an attempt to convince you that they’re actually doing some good for your system despite things being bad enough that you’re running them. Registry cleaning software in the form of a pair of slowly rolling eyes of endless contempt has been added to Accessories.

The much-requested “TRY IT ANYWAY” button has been added to all file operations. Corrupted ZIP? Lack of hard drive space? Think you know better than Windows? Hit this button to ditch the error window and force it to at least give it a &^%$ing try. It won’t work, but at least you’ll know for sure and maybe feel better.

To cut down on the number of idiots online, tools like e-mail and Windows Messenger are no longer provided as standard. If you can get the necessary neurons together to download them, maybe you deserve your access.

The EULA has been rewritten in Wingdings to see if anyone notices.

“My Computer” has been renamed “Computer”. Thanks to DRM, “Your Computer” has been deemed too inaccurate by the European Court of Endless Pedantry.

Clicking the icon “Internet Explorer” no longer punches you in the face for your stupidity. Using Internet Explorer instead of absolutely anything else, up to and including a tin-can on a string, has been decreed both crime and punishment.

The dread portal of Ana’xhoom has been moved to the Documents folder for easier access. Please remember to sacrifice one file per day to the glory of Ana’xhoom.

The Purble Place competition has concluded after several long years. The first person to actually bother running it for more than five seconds, Mrs. Dawn Edmonton of Maine, has received her cheque for $4,000,000. Congratulations, Dawn!

Bigfoot has been returned to his home in the wallpaper.

The Solitaire cheat code now automatically texts your friends to stage an intervention. If you have no friends, the cards will fly around the screen as usual. Loser.

All PowerPoint presentations longer than five slides or containing the words “Mission Statement” will now be automatically deleted five minutes after being closed. No, really, you’re welcome. It’s the least we can do to apologise.

Gnaw: This Death Knight ghoul ability now has a 1-minute cooldown.

All online help replaced with the message “Just get a Mac, idiot…”

It is possible to upgrade from Windows 98. Oh, not as a cheap deal or anything, just reminding you. Seriously, it’s 2009. What the hell’s taking so long?

Assorted security hotfixes.

It works now, unlike Vista.

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