Richard's Online Journal
In My Eyes
Eyes. The gloopy, squicky windows to the soul. Fear them.
Richard’s Guide To Touching The Eye
1. DO NOT TOUCH THE F&*%ING EYE!
2. That is all.
Seriously, in order of importance, the eyes are used for the following things: squicking out sci-fi viewers, making A Clockwork Orange unwatchable, infecting idiots with the zombie lurgy, providing sight, and actively not being touched. It doesn’t matter that a modern lens is only a little sliver of jelly, there are places where things aren’t meant to get shoved, and at least half of those places are the surface of the f&*%ing eye! This is just plain common sense! It goes without saying! I mean, really! Keep your hands off them!
On the other hand, wearing glasses sucks. Everything about wearing glasses sucks. They’re impossible to wear in the rain, they make you look through the world through a very annoying frame, they need constant cleaning, look terrible on anyone other than sexy geeks, and there’s still no official word that they don’t cause cancer.
Anyway, to cut a long story short, I’m currently trying out contact lenses, as in “I wouldn’t be able to use because I’m horribly squeamish about my eyes”. I don’t know if it’ll work out yet, but it’s a two week free trial. That’s good in the sense that most things with the word ‘free’ are good news, although I’m still waiting for that Tibet I signed up for to show up. On the other hand, the fact that there is a trial involved made me instantly suspicious. Would ramming terrifyingly complicated lumps of jelly into both eyes not, in fact, be as much fun as the adverts made it look?
Oddly, no. I’ve spent years actively not ripping open my eyelids with my fingers and jamming things in the middle, and as a result, have a highly toned blink reflex capable of breaking iron bars. The optician almost lost a finger trying to get the first lens in a couple of weeks ago, and I thought I was doing very well to keep my eyes open up-to-but-not-including the bit where the finger gets close. Apparently not. Turns out it helps to keep them open. It’s almost mandatory in fact.
After lots of effort, lots of prying and lots of fingers getting entirely too close to squishy jelly bits, we decided I should probably get out of her sight and come back in a couple of weeks when I might not be so rubbish. She didn’t phrase it like that, of course, but she may as well. A couple of hours with not even one lens (of two, for anyone keeping count) even close to sitting comfortably wasn’t exactly a great start.
Anyway, this morning it was time to try again. This time, the optician managed to get both of them in. Can’t say it was much fun – if your own finger in your eye isn’t a good time, a stranger’s is no real improvement, especially with both lids fighting your orders to stay the hell open. But it worked! After only three attempts and one chopped-off finger, we managed to get them both in, and I might add, with a distinct lack of kicking and screaming on my part. I wanted a lollipop, but there weren’t any. Sometimes, being a grown-up really sucks. So I bought one on my way home.
Those few minutes of having them in made it worth continuing though. The effect was fantastic. I’m short-sighted with astigmatism, which means I can’t see very far (no kidding) and everything’s a bit blurry at any distance. I’m certainly not blind without my glasses, it’s just deeply uncomfortable, so I wear them most of the time.
Turns out normal vision is great. If only it didn’t mean touching the eye.