Richard's Online Journal
Fixing The British Political System
For many people, voting serves little purpose. You merely get to choose which almost certainly venal and corrupt bunch of career politicians gets to pretend they act with your implied blessing as they snuffle in the trough. The main parties all let us down on a regular basis. Even our scandals are pathetic, especially compared to the likes of Berlusconi. Clearly, the whole system needs wide-scale reform, but have no fear! I have three solutions, most not even involving pudding wrestling.
Solution the First: Let me run the country as an unchecked dictatorship. I promise a wide-sweeping range of policies, based primarily on how much material they’ll provide to Have I Got News For You. I plan to build a wall around Wells, declare war on the Big Brother House, and move the seat of government to Blubberhouses in Yorkshire, where the incoming nuclear bombs will simply bounce off. Or such is my understanding.
Too much? Fine. Spoilsport.
Solution the Second: We open up the voting system to allow for ‘anti-votes’. You may not want to give, say, Labour or Conservative your support after all the recent sleaze, but at least you can register your disapproval of groups like the BNP. In the event that no group achieves a positive figure, anarchy is immediately declared. However, every candidate will receive an I Cracked The Parliamentary System crystal to take home with them, along with the memories of that precious thing we used to call civilisation.
Solution the Third: Since politicians are frequently incapable of representing what we, the people, want from our rules, we clearly need to open up the race. I humbly suggest that we allow for the inclusion of fictional characters. Wait, hear me out. I’m not saying we hand over control to a non-existent entity. Why would you even think that?
Here’s how it works. First, when the word comes in that what the country really wants is Lord Vetinari from the Discworld books, we instantly launch a massive media campaign to find the closest real-world match, both in physical likeness and personality, and they become our leader. We can call it Britain’s Got Mimesis.
Should this fail, we still leave the position open, with all decisions going through the through a ‘What Would X Do? filter to determine if they’re in keeping with the philosophies of our chosen fictional character. It’s always worked for the Church. When a suitable candidate shows up, they can jump right into the job.
(Admittedly, this might fall down a bit if we elect Pacman. I’m not sure how many world crises can be helped by hiding in a maze, munching fruit and pills and answering all questions with ‘wakka-wakka-wakka’. Still, better that than Bush…)
I don’t really mind which of the three we go for — and those are the only three alternatives, I’m afraid — although I know which I’d prefer. Let the record show, loyal subjects to be, I consider you all worthless heathens and lower than the worms. But please, still vote for me. You’ll love what I’ve got planned for Piers Morgan.