Richard's Online Journal
Making Richard’s Burger
“Hello, sir. May I take your order?”
“Yes, thanks. I’d like the hamburger, with just lettuce and bacon.”
“Okay, no problem. Just lettuce and bacon, cheese-”
“What? No. Just lettuce and bacon.”
“It normally comes with cheese.”
“Right, but I don’t like cheese. Or sauce. Just lettuce and bacon, thanks.”
“Okay, so how about mayo?”
“No thanks, just a plain burger. Just lettuce and bacon.”
“Not a problem. One burger, with nothing on it.”
“Except bacon.”
“Of course, sir. One bacon cheeseburger coming up.”
“What? No. No, look-”
“Here you go, sir.”
“Wait, wait. This isn’t meant to come with cheese. Or mayo.”
“Not a problem, sir. Our chef was happy to put some on for you.”
“Can I change my order? I’d like the chef’s fricasseed corpse on rye.”
“Sorry?”
“Apology accepted. Look, it’s very simple. One burger, just lettuce and bacon. No cheese, no mayo, no ketchup-”
“Oh, I see. One moment. Here you go, sir, good as new.”
“Where’s the bacon? There was bacon on here before.”
“I thought you wanted nothing on it.”
“Just lettuce and bacon. How hard is this? I’m asking for a less complicated burger here.”
“Oh, for goodness sake. I’ll sort that right out for you. Here you go. One hamburger, just lettuce and bacon, just like you demanded.”
“Without a bap? That’s not a burger, it’s a meat salad! With cheese on it! And now these chips are stone cold!”
“Indeed they are, sir. And if you find a hair in your mouth, keep in mind our chef is bald, with really itchy herpes. Next time, just order the fish…”