Richard's Online Journal

Greetings and salutations. In case you were wondering, Richard Cobbett is a writer and journalist and producer of many other things involving words. He likes cats, hates spiders, and plays a lot of games. This is his website...
Apr
17

Updated DEFCON Alerts

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5 — No spider presence detected. Remain vigilant, citizen.

4 — Minor arachnid incursion in zone: bathroom or zone: bedroom. Deploy heavy Raid Spray artillery to create firezone. Assign full military Hoover division to pacify remains. Check nearby webs for messages; if found, do not eat the pig as penance for murdering Charlotte and leaving her poor babies without a mother. Then kill all the babies. It’s not like they’ll grow up to be anything but more bloody spiders anyway.

3 — Spider not confirmed dead, or reinforcements detected. Contact intelligence services to confirm status as mere terrible house spider, not tarantula, black widow, or alien symbiote bent on intergalactic domination and/or brain drinking.

2 — Aaaie! Spider blocking route to Wikipedia/reference books.

1 — Sell house. Move. Just in case.

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